Amara is 5

Posted on April 26, 2013 by Denise

Happy Fifth Birthday to my sweet girl. Amara, may you continue to hear the voice of God, and continue to be a conduit of His joy wherever you go. Love you so much!! We are so blessed to be called your parents.

Amara’s birthday always brings so many emotions and memories for me.
I remember that her birthmother was scheduled to be induced on a Friday. So we packed up and flew to her birthplace the Monday before.

How we anxiously awaited Friday – it was the longest week of my life! But also had the honour and privilege of meeting her first mother which was something we will always treasure.

And then when Friday came, and I was called into the delivery room… I thought I might faint from the wonder of it all, and yet the very reality that our joy would be this precious mother’s pain… the emotions were so conflicting.

And then, 24 hours later, we signed the legal documents there in the hospital and it was done. She was ours. I still remember crying, yet my emotions were so big I couldn’t cry at all the way my body needed to. Because I was amazed and delighted that she was ours and that the crazy, crazy up and down journey was over – yet I grieved deeply for this mother’s loss. That she was bravely walking out of that hospital with her arms empty, believing that God has chosen us to parent this sweet little girl.

Amara… I tell you all the time that you are God’s special gift to us. And you are. More than you will ever know. Your fourth year was a tough one for you. You lost your status as the youngest child and only daughter in our family. Not to mention that being 4 is just hard in general. I can’t tell you that being 5 will be much easier, but I can tell you that you will make it through just fine. I feel that we are all trying to figure you out as you are growing up. That you seem to be changing so quickly – even you are having a hard time trying to figure you out. One minute, raging tantrums like a toddler, the next – speaking older-than-your-years words of affirmation and wisdom that could only come from the heart of God speaking to you.

You are funny, energetic and such a little stinker sometimes. You can bring me to tears in frustration, then to more tears as you hug me and tell me how precious and loved by God I am even when I make mistakes.
You have my heart, sweet one. You always will.

~Today in the car… just you and I driving to run a few quick errands… you dressed in a beautiful pink dressy coat and new necklace your cousin picked out for your birthday – so beautiful you take my breath away. And you so happy to have a few minutes alone with your mom.
You asked me “Am I still 5 mom?”
I said “Yes sweetheart you are.
And you know what? I love you – all the way to the moon and back.”
And you replied with a little smirk
“I love you all the way to Costco.”
I pretend hurt shock while laughing…
And then you say emphatically, “No mom, I love you THIS much” and you spread your arms back as far as you can… “And all the way to Costco AND back!”

The Long Awaited Road Trip

Posted on April 3, 2013 by Denise

We finally made the road trip to BC to visit my extended family. If you remember, we were hoping to go there for Christmas, but as the date came closer and closer, we realized Giselle just wasn’t ready for it. I was still holding this trip loosely – not wanting to get our hopes up too much in case we could sense in Giselle that she still wasn’t ready.

The captain of our ship… Happy that he doesn’t mind driving, and that he doesn’t mind me reading while he drives ;)

But on Thursday of last week, we were all packed up into the van and heading out. I was curious to see how she would handle it. Often times, any more than 20 minutes in the vehicle and she is cranky and whiny. This trip is 8 hours long on a good day – easily 10 when kids are needing to have bathroom breaks every 2 hours. She has also become terribly car sick a few times since being home, so I was expecting some car sickness along the way.

Traveling mercies…

A rare treasure – seeing the peak of Mt Robson. It is usually hidden by clouds. Love the drive through the mountains! They are in my blood and always will be.

She did wonderfully! We actually made the trip in 8 hours. There was no car sickness, and she even had a little nap on the way. Concern #1 done and passed with flying colours.

Concern #2 – How would she react to all the family members she had never met before, being away from home, and sleeping in a different bed for 4 nights?

We have a calendar in the girls’ room with family photos – so she knew most of my family by face and by name. The first thing she did when she got out of the van, and she saw my Dad standing at the open door was yell at the top of her lungs “Poppa!!!” and ran into his arms. It was magical! Let me just say that at that moments, he was putty in her hands. And wrapped around her little finger in an instant! My Dad is a tall, large man with a big voice, so children are often intimidated by him. It blessed him to no end that Giselle was so affectionate and comfortable with him.

Poppa has discovered that the way to a child’s heart is… Marshmallows!

She did well with everyone. My sisters, her cousins – a house full of people and noise and activity. She was nervous the first night we were there, but I showed her where everyone was sleeping which seemed to help her to calm down. She slept well every nap and night we were there which is amazing. She reacts to any stress during the day by a restless sleep and often crying out, but she slept really peacefully most nights.

Cousins reading stories together.

Sweet boy has too many aunties around and not enough males to protect him from us :)

Sweet boy… he has too many aunties around and not enough males to protect him from us.

The best thing was seeing that my while my sisters and mom were super sweet and kind to her, it didn’t sway her from her attachment to me. This has been a big issue in the past. That when friends/family are very kind and helpful to her, she reacts by wanting to be with them only, and rejects any direction or affection from me. This was so wonderful for me to see! That she could have other loving people in her life, but still understand that her core family unit is intact and won’t change. That she doesn’t need to charm other people (usually women) as a back-up plan in case I leave her.

First Easter egg hunt!

All in all, this trip was even better than I could have dreamed. I am so thankful that we waited as long as we did to make this trip. And I’m deeply impressed with how far Giselle has come even in the past 3 months.

With this, I think I can officially say that our cocooning is over. And here I thought that we could cocoon for 6 weeks! Instead, to one degree or another, we have cocooned for almost 8 months. And of course, we will revert to that as needed when we can sense she is needing extra time with her family unit. I am working on a conclusion to cocooning post hopefully coming to your inbox soon.

With Anticipation and Trepidation

Posted on March 15, 2013 by Denise

Since Giselle has come home, I have not left her for more than about 6 hours. For the most part she is now fine with me leaving to run errands or be out of the house even if Daddy puts her to bed and she doesn’t see me until morning.

This weekend I am going to our church’s women’s retreat. I have been so looking forward to this 2 night escape – I can’t even tell you! Darren went on a men’s retreat last weekend, and so I haven’t really had a break for 2 weeks (again – single moms out there… hats off to you!), I am pms’ing and so ready to have a break and some space. And some uninterrupted conversation with other adults.

I am also a little bit terrified of how Giselle will take it. I don’t really know that she will make life too difficult for Darren this weekend, but I do think she will probably manage some interesting pay back for me next week.

One thing that she has started lately is this amazing whine. She mostly does it as a little gift for Darren when he comes home, but I have been slowly noticing it transferring into her interactions with me as well. She already has a small, somewhat high voice – so add the whine… it only makes me want to scratch my eye-balls out a little bit. We have been working on saying things in her nice voice, and she is catching herself more and more… but I am imagining a very whiny, tempter tantrum throwing, not sleeping, screaming kind of week. But praying that non of that happens.

The interesting thing is that Amara has been extremely clingy to me lately as well. Nope I’m not feeling claustrophobic at all! So I might be getting pay back from a few different angles.

But, I know I NEED this. I might possibly crawl into my bed on Friday night and stay there until Sunday afternoon except from meals and ~~potty~~ bathroom breaks. That actually sounds like heaven to me right now.

I have been asked to speak to the group of women on Friday night, so I might manage to stay out of my pj’s until that is over. I am planning on talking about our adoption journey and about God’s redemption. If you think of it, please pray that God gives me the words to say that someone in that group needs to hear. And perhaps God is leading another family to open up their hearts and home to a child in need. I have a feeling I will be having a few one-on-one conversations about adoption and our journey. Again, please pray that I have words to say – I never want to portray this as an easy journey, but worth it?! Oh yes! I wouldn’t change the story God has written for us. Not one word.

My Road to Healing {part 2}

Posted on February 28, 2013 by Denise

if you missed it, read My Road to Healing {Part 1} here.

Then finally! The long awaited, longed for day. 4 trips to Haiti in 1.5 years. 3 of those times, my heart ripped out by leaving her behind. But the 4th trip is when she comes home. The dream of taking her on that airplane and entering Canada finally coming true! Of the airport party of loved family and friends in our home town – finally happening!

And the fear. The anxiety. Our world was about to be turned upside down and we had no idea what our family would look like in a few weeks.

Many adoption experts say that the new child will “honeymoon” for 4-6 weeks after coming home (where the child will behave and generally try to please you). Giselle didn’t really do that. I think she honeymooned for about 4-6 days, but even then – not really. There were times in Haiti when she would hit, bite, kick and scream at me. But she did manage to regress even more around 4 weeks. (I am not blaming her for this – she had every right to be incredibly confused and upset).

I won’t go over all her behaviours here… because these posts are about me ;) But Giselle has a wail… a pitch to her scream/tantrum that instantly sets my nerves on edge, raises my blood pressure and either makes me want to run and fix whatever is causing that scream, or loose my temper. And the scream is exactly the same for “She looked at me and I didn’t like it!” as it is for “I smacked my head on the corner of the wall”. I’m sure this was a great survival tactic in the orphanage, but it doesn’t translate well to family life. The effort it took for me to try and not loose my patience during her incessant screams the first 3-4 months was intense. And I often failed. Then Amara started with her tantrums over the most insignificant detail. And Kylar was feeling overwhelmed by all the chaos and girls screaming… and neglected because of all the attention the girls demanded. There were days where he (and I!) wondered if our lives would ever be peaceful again. To be brutally honest, there were times I was sure we had ruined our family.

I couldn’t use the bathroom alone. My bedroom was taken over by Giselle. I had to be present with the girls almost every second or they would be hurting each other. My husband was getting used to my texts by 10:00 am saying “Is it really too early to have a drink? Because I can’t do this anymore!” And then the control battles Giselle would engage in over every. single. little. tiny. freaking. possible. thing. Drained me to the core. I was exhausted. Did I mention I was completely exhausted? As Giselle also did her whine/cry thing for hours and hours every night. On a good night I was getting maybe 3 or 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Of course this in itself was making both of us cranky as she was beyond exhausted as well.

All this to say: I am drained of me. I am not the mother I was. Our home is not the place it was. I believe the stress has thrown my hormones out of balance, and my emotions seem to come out of nowhere with little or no warning. I am exhausted and depleted. My sweet mom was here visiting recently, and she was shocked at seeing me in person for the first time since Giselle first arrived home. Seeing how tired and completely drained I look. And she is seeing me now – me in the middle of healing, not even close to the worst of the transition.

But at 7 months since Giselle’s arrival, I am slowly starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Darren is pushing me to get out of the house on my own more. Some days the kids are pushing me out the door too ;) I am taking some hormone balancing herbs, and some adrenal supports. We are focusing on eating healthy and occasionally I’m even doing a short work out. For the first time since Giselle arrived I no longer have acne on my face, and very slowly I am loosing the stress-weight I have gained. Since moving her out of my room, I am finally getting some full nights of sleep which makes all the difference in the world.

Helping manage my life right now...

Some days I feel like I can see myself in here again. Some days I can take a few more deep breaths and be more patient with the kids just a bit more than before. We are laughing more often, and my heart is feeling the capacity to adore my children again. I can scoop up Giselle and giving her lots of kisses in her favourite places… and when she has her grieving/sad moments – they don’t always drain me completely. Some evenings I can carry a coherent conversation with my husband that isn’t only about the children. This isn’t only an uphill climb – I still have many days when I feel like I am just trying to crawl through each moment until their bedtime, and I didn’t do the day well. I have days when I feel like my regrets of the way I have parented and the energy it requires to do it better, will swallow me whole. But at least there are moments when I can think clearly enough now to work through them a little at a time.

I have been blessed with some amazing friends and family support during this process. Some of you I have met via this blog… some FB friends that I have never or rarely met in person have been the understanding listening ear I desperately needed… some of you have been placed into my life as constant and supportive beams that have held me up and encouraged me to keep going. And of course my husband who has held me while I cried, voiced my frustration and doubts. Under it all though, is the foundation of the prayers of my mother. My friends, if you have a mother who prays you know what I am talking about. There is a power in those prayers that effects change. It challenges me (and gives me much hope) in my prayers for my children as well.

And so this is what I am {very slowly} learning. That God isn’t just redeeming Giselle’s time away from us while she was at the orphanage. He is redeeming all of us in the here and now. When I make mistakes. When I yell even though I should speak softly. When I get frustrated even though I should be more patient. God is redeeming that in their lives, and in mine. And I am feeling more freedom from all the guilt I have been carrying. The guilt that is slowly finding it’s rightful place – at the foot of the cross of Jesus.

Perhaps I am finally learning this truth – that being a Christ follower isn’t so much about doing everything perfectly (because we never will), but in allowing Christ to continuously redeem the mistakes we make. And seeing Him make something beautiful out of our mere humanness is what drives us to our knees in awe and we can finally say with all honesty and humility “It really isn’t about me. It really is about You and how You make all things beautiful. And how You do it to show your glory – because that is the most loving thing You could do.” Praise God!

I am ever so thankful for the things I have learned in the past 4 years. Oh yes, I am very thankful that this leg of the journey is over. I think the worst of our adjustment is over. The pain and heartache of the adoption process is healing in me. I feel like I am mending and that I am slowly, ever so slowly finding me again. But the lessons learned in the process are priceless. And if there is one thing I truly know – it is that my personal heartache in this adoption process is small compared to the loss and pain Giselle has been through.

“Who is among you who (reverently) fears the Lord, who obeys the voice of His Servant, yet who walks in darkness and deep trouble and has no shining splendour [in his heart]? Let him rely on, trust in, and be confident in the name of the Lord, and let him lean upon and be supported by his God.”
Isaiah 50:10 (AMP)

My Road to Healing {part 1}

Posted on February 27, 2013 by Denise

There is a lot of focus during the adoption process on the children being adoption. As well there should be. They are only little children after all, going through circumstances they didn’t ask for or deserve. They are the ones making so many new changes – new home, new family, new language.

But adoption doesn’t just affect the adopted children. It affects every single person in the family and even reaches to the extended family and friends. For me, this journey has been 3.5 years of longing, torment, excitement and wondering.

For those of you who might not know… we started our second adoption (Giselle’s) in May of 2009. We knew we would adopt again, but still didn’t have clear direction as to where from. So many ups and downs, twists and turns until we landed on Haiti. And then Haiti experienced the horrible earthquake in 2010. We thought we might be back to square one in choosing a country, as Haiti was then closed to adoptions. Haiti opened to adoptions in April of 2010, so we proceeded with collecting all the necessary paperwork to continue. Then all the adoption ups and downs. Discovering our file had been “lost” at IBESR when it should have already made it to the President’s desk. Our file arrived at the President’s desk just as a new president took over and he didn’t start to sign files for 3 months. Some things went smoothly, but most steps were stressful, long and hard.

I know it is difficult to understand until you have been through the adoption process. How one’s heart can fall in love with a child before they are in your family. How you can grieve for them, ache for them – when all you’ve seen is a photo (if that). All I can relate it to is the first few months of pregnancy of a child who has been longed for and planned. As soon as that pregnancy test stick says “positive”, you love that child. You can’t feel them, see them… you know nothing about them except that they are yours and you would do anything to protect them. You start to think about them all the time. You start to feel guilty when you drink caffeine, when you eat McD*nald’s… so you start to eat healthier, and cut out caffeine. You read about what size the baby is each week and where their development is at. It becomes so much a part of you that it is difficult to separate the baby from yourself. And when you first feel the movement in the womb – you are completely and utterly taken over by the wonder of it. And so it is with our adopted children. They grow in our hearts so completely while preparing for the adoption, that when we finally see the first photo – it’s as if our hearts are crying out “I know you!” and somehow we can’t imagine them looking any different. They are beautiful. They are ours – wholly and completely.

And then you give birth. That magical first moment that you held your child, counted their fingers and toes, made sure the sex of the child. Then imagine leaving them with caretakers you don’t know and you have no idea of how they really care for children. In a country with little medical care and crazy storms and earthquakes. Imagine that you leave them there and let lawyers decide how quickly they will work until you can bring them home. You might as well rip your heart out. And that is how it was for me. I felt like most of my mind, and a big part of my heart was left in Haiti. Every time I checked email centred around wondering if there was an update (my heart still does a little leap every time I see our orphanage director’s name – even though I am not waiting for any news).

But in the peripheral of it all I was wondering if we were insane for doing this.

Would our new child be so traumatized that she wouldn’t be able to function properly in a family? The horror stories in blog world haunted my dreams. Would our child purposefully defecate all over our home? Would we eventually need to hide knives and put locks on her door to make sure we could sleep safely? Would she harm our other children and seek to turn other adults against us by telling lies about us… or rage for hours, harming us, our children and destroying our home… These are not unheard of issues, and some adoptive parents deal with this daily.

And so I studied and studied attachment and post adoption care.

And I cleaned/purged my home. We renovated. We nested and prepared. We tried to enjoy time together as a family of 4.

I was restless. For 3 years, 3 months I was restless. And often felt sick with the wondering.

And then it finally happened… the email stating that things were ready and we could go pick up our child. The time when all the dreams and fears begin to become realities.

read My Road to Healing {Part 2} here.

What Has Surprised Me About Adoption

Posted on February 9, 2013 by Denise

(Joining in on the adoption blog hop at Adoption Magazine)

1. I was surprised at how much I could love and yearn for a child before they were even born. Before I had ever laid eyes on them in person or even a photo.

2. I was surprised at how much emotional energy the adoption process took. Although I knew it would be huge, I didn’t know how much it would consume and be a filter for my every waking thought, my prayers and dreams.

3. I didn’t know that people would make so many “interesting” comments to us about our adopted children. Most of them make me laugh, but some of them have been harsh and have really brought out the mother bear protective instinct in me.

4. I didn’t realize how common it would be to see the other children on the playground stare at my girls as if they were aliens and refuse to play with them.

5. It surprised me to learn that not only did I need to learn about my child’s attachment to me, but my attachment to them. And to be patient with myself when it took longer than I thought it would/should.

6. I was surprised (and saddened) to learn that some adopted children always feel a sense of abandonment and hurt – no matter how great their adoptive parents were.

7. How much my relationship with God is mirrored in my own adoption into His family. I realize that I have my own attachment issues with Him. How amazing that I get to walk through my own issues as I guide my children through theirs!

8. I was very surprised at the loss a child can feel – even when adopted at birth.

I am so thankful for God’s faithfulness and His redemption in all the good and the difficult. I wouldn’t change a thing about the way, and the people He has brought into our family. I especially wouldn’t change how I have grown through it all.

6 Months Home

Posted on February 6, 2013 by Denise

It’s hard to believe it has been half a year since we walked up the orphanage steps, folded Giselle into our arms, and into our family for forever.

Her physical growth has slowed down a little bit since her one big growth spurt. She is still so very short compared to my other kids at this age… she measures about the same height as both Kylar and Amara when they were 24 months old while she has just turned 3 years old. I hope that she has another growth spurt soon, but in the mean time I am enjoying her “smallness”. She is more than likely my last ‘baby’ after all. (Paige, stop that thought right there!)

Just home – August, 2012

Same clothes, 6 months later.

For the most part, it doesn’t feel as if there are big changes happening anymore, but a lot of small changes. She seems quite settled with us now.

On one hand she is making some big confidence strides such as staying in our church nursery all on her own last week, but then I often still see her struggling when a new situation/person enters our life. The big difference is that her struggling now consists of playing with her belly button or earlobes (or more recently – playing with mine or Darren’s earlobes), and being clingy with me. But that’s about it. There is rarely the night time crying like she used to have. This week a neighbour came for tea and Giselle was taken off guard by that. She started to get very fussy and acting strange. So I took her to the other room, looked her in the eye and said “Giselle, look at Mommy. It’s ok. Giselle is ok. Mrs. Marie is a friend, it’s ok.” She settled down and enjoyed the visit after that. It’s good to know that she can take my words and trust them to be true.

The girls sharing a room is a hassle and a blessing. They do keep each other awake somewhat, and I think Amara is not getting as good of sleep as she normally does. I am hoping that they settle down into a good sleeping routine soon. Amara does love having Giselle in her room – it seems to be a comfort to her not to be alone. I recently ordered new bunk beds for them and we are excited for them to arrive, although Giselle will probably still stay in her crib for awhile yet.

Her dance moves are becoming much more co-ordinated and entertaining to watch. No more “grandma” dance moves like when she first came home! She is also becoming very opinionated as to which dance songs she wants to hear. “Gangnam Style” is her favourite right now… although she calls it “Amara Style”. She is also in a parented gymnastics class on Fridays. I love this class almost as much as she does! I love watching her run around, so confident and loving every second of it. She has little fear and will try almost anything. I find that it has become a good bonding time for us. Even if we have had a tough week, it is a time when just she and I can play together and enjoy our time together.

Dance moves like her big brother

As for me – I am slowly feeling like I am getting my feet under me again. I am surprised at the toll these past 6 months… no, make that this past 3 years of this adoption has taken on me. Trying to put it all into words on another post, but I’m having a hard time with it. On a positive note, I feel like we as a family are in a healthier place where I can start to take some time for myself. I am confident that the next 6 months will bring about a lot of healing and an even greater place of joy for all of us.

We love you, sweet girl! So glad we get to celebrate these milestones with you.

The Day Laughter Returned

Posted on January 19, 2013 by Denise

Amara: What’s inside a computer?

Kylar: Computer chips.

A: No! Daddy, is that true? (I start to giggle inside as I can predict where her little mind is going)

Dad: Yes, there are computer chips inside computers.

She takes a second to process it. And then, if you know Amara at all – you will know what I mean when I say she starts to laugh – with her whole body.

She laughs so hard she almost falls off her chair.

A: What do you eat with a computer chip? Honey? (uproariously laughs) Crackers? (with every suggestion, I am afraid she actually will fall off her chair) Cheese? Hahahahah!

By this time we are all wiping away tears of laughter as we join in the hilarity . And I feel like my heart might just burst. In that moment I know. Laughter had finally found it’s way back into our home.

A fb friend recently said that after their adoption, she can remember the day laughter left their home, and the day it returned. And in this moment I just knew it had returned to us. How I had missed it! I welcomed the laughter with open arms.

Now I scoop up little Giselle and gently throw her over my shoulder and slide her down my back… simply because I can. And she won’t stay this little much longer. I tickle her and enjoy the giggles. I delight in those moments when she runs to me, hugs my legs and enthusiastically says “I love you Mommy!” at the top of her lungs. I laugh with joy and amazement at Amara’s latest outfit (secretly of course for fear she might take my laughter as insult), and love to see her feel pretty. I so enjoy joking around with Kylar and his more mature sense of humour.

This laughter is evidence of healing in our family and continues to bring more healing to this place. It is binding our family together in new ways. Good ways. I am ever so thankful.

A merry heart does good like medicine…
Psalms 17:22 (NKJV)

Giselle’s First Christmas

Posted on January 7, 2013 by Denise

Please excuse the terrible pictures of the gift opening… I was mostly video taping them instead of using the camera.

The holidays are over and it’s back to normal life tomorrow. I am looking forward to it in some ways. It will be nice to be back in a routine, but I wish Darren didn’t have to go back to work. Parenting with two parents always present is soooo much easier! (huge hats off to all the single moms out there!).

I get asked often how Giselle did over the holidays. Any change in routine – especially a big change like Christmas brings can often set our kids back to some behaviours we would rather not see. Originally we were planning on driving 8-10 hours to visit my family for Christmas, but as the days grew closer and closer to departure, I knew it was a really bad idea. She was already showing signs of being overwhelmed with the Christmas preparations and the upset in routine. So, I cried a little bit, then cancelled the trip. I felt the worst for Kylar and Amara as they had been SO looking forward to the trip as well. But I kept reminding myself that in the long run, if Giselle is given the time she needs to heal and adjust, it will be easier on our whole family. “Consistent training is an important investment in your child’s future. It’s high-investment, high-yield parenting. If you fail to pay now, you’ll pay later, and the interest is steep.” The Connected Child pg137 With these words of Dr. Purvis ringing in my ears, we settled down to a quiet family holiday.

And quiet it was very quiet. Christmas Eve being the busiest with family friends coming for dinner before we all headed out to church service at our “mother church” (we now attend a church plant). The friends and the church location were all new to Giselle. And she slept poorly that night.

Christmas day didn’t seem to overwhelm her like I thought it might. She would have been quite happy with just the gifts in her stocking, but we kept distracting her by giving her more gifts to open. Somewhere in the middle of it she started saying “Oh I know what it is!” as she was opening the gift. It was so cute.

Kylar and Amara ended up sick with the flu. I had a head cold for a few days… and I waited and waited for Giselle to get sick. I’m sure you mothers will understand this – I was actually hoping that she would get sick. There is some kind of extra protective mother-nurturing instinct that kicks in when our kids are sick and I wanted to feel that for Giselle. Of course I was not hoping for lots of puking or anything too extreme… just hoping she would want and need my mothering and I was ready to give it! But alas, she stayed as healthy as could be so that part of our attachment will have to wait for another day. Someone said to me that her Haitian children have “stellar immune systems” and so far that has proved to be true for Giselle as well as she hasn’t caught more than a sniffle since being home.

Emotionally she wasn’t her normal self though. She would cry with jealously when Amara climbed on Darren’s lap – even if she hadn’t had any intentions of going there herself. She threw screaming tantrums much more often that is her normal now. But the biggest thing was her constant testing of Darren. Back to the not eating or taking forever to finish her food (holding it in her mouth for ages). Back to saying she needed to go ka-ka (poo), but not doing anything (usually interrupting our diner or bedtime routine). Yet when he would ask if she needed to go, she would say “no” then walk right beside him and dirty her diaper… these things were huge power struggles a month or two ago, but haven’t really reared their ugly heads for awhile. As soon as Darren went back to work she seemed to settle down again.

This might sound bad, but I am EVER so thankful that she does these things for Darren too. So often, an older adopted child will do these tests and challenges for the primary caretaker only (usually the mother), but act perfectly for the father who has a hard time understand the intense frustration that these little games cause. So at least we can be on the same page and supporting each other through the frustration.

Was our decision to stay home a good one? I have not one doubt in my mind that Giselle would only have regressed something awful with being in a new situation with new people coming and going constantly and sleeping in a different home. Yes, it was the right decision. There will be many more years, many more Christmases with our family – hopefully when it will be less stressful and therefore more enjoyable for everyone involved.

And not to be left out….

LOVE this picture of Amara – so excited about the doll bed/high chair set!

And Kylar so cool and calm… we need a better system for opening gifts so I can take better photos. I wanted to photograph him opening his longed and dreamed for ipod touch, but he opened it before I had the chance to grab the camera :(

I hope your Christmas was all you dreamed it would be. And that the New Year brings so much hope of good things to come.

It’s Real!

Posted on December 25, 2012 by Denise

Sitting in church at the Christmas Eve service tonight it really hit me. Giselle is home for Christmas! I sat in almost exactly the same spot last year at this time, watching Amara dance to Jesus in the aisle – and remember just aching for Giselle to be with us.

Tonight, both my girls danced in the aisle in their matching red dresses…

Tonight I FINALLY hung up all 3 stockings. That third stocking has been mocking me for 3 years…

Tonight we feel like we have a ridiculous number of gifts under the tree – but there are more children than ever to unwrap them…

Tonight we feel at peace. And at rest in knowing that our family is safe, all together under one roof.

Tonight I feel just overwhelmed with immense gratitude. To the One who rescued me from a life of slavery to my own wants and desires which would surely have ruined me. The One who gave His only Son for this beautiful mess of humanity. Who loves me, redeems my mistakes and draws me to this amazing, never ending grace. To whom I owe my very life.

From the depths of all that I am… Thank you, God.
Thank you.

Merry Christmas, reader! And thank you for all your support, your prayers, your kind words here over the past year. I can’t imagine the loneliness of this adoption process without the community that I have met here.
Thank you.
May God’s blessings over flow in your life and His love explode in your hearts until you can’t help but pour it out on those around you.

Pressing In

Category Archives: adoption