Which Kind of Guilt?

Posted on May 21, 2013 by Denise

I have to admit I didn’t want to attend church last Sunday. If Darren hadn’t been so determined, I would have found 100 excuses not to go. I told myself it was because I was just tired, and I needed Sunday to be a real day of rest.

But God called my bluff 2 minutes into the service, and kept them coming through the whole morning. Our worship leader talked about how God wanted our worship time to simply be about giving and receiving God’s love. And my heart was refusing, with walls up a mile high. Why? Because I have been so easily frustrated with my girls lately, and I wanted to beat myself up for it a bit longer. If I opened my heart to receive God’s love, I would have to forgive myself and accept His forgiveness. And I didn’t want to.

The worship leader talked about how her little girl came up during worship practice and for no reason simply said “I love you Mommy!” and then ran off, and how deeply it touched her as an example of how our spontaneous love touches God’s heart. I was still refusing. Still stewing in my own muck.

Amara had started feeling sick on the drive to church (another reason not to go, I argued), so she was cuddled on my lap instead of in children’s church. Suddenly she reached up and whispered in my ear, “Mommy, I love you so much. Even when you get frustrated, I love you. You are the best mommy in the WHOLE world. And I love you even when you have owies on your face.” (owies are the zits my face produced – mistakenly thinking I am 14, not almost 40). And just as suddenly Jesus whispered in my other ear “If this little girl, who’s feelings you hurt this morning – if she can forgive and still love you… why do you think so little of my love? Why would you block out my love and forgiveness and refuse me?”

And my heart broke. My walls came down. Even though I knew the walls were hurting me and those around me, I still wanted to keep them there. I envisioned my children doing the same to me. If they had made a mistake – even a really big mistake… if they put those walls up and refused me to forgive them, how it would hurt me! And ultimately mostly hurt themselves.

God brought to mind another church service, months earlier; so I scrolled through the notes on my phone and found them, each point jumping out at me.

They read like this:
~Guilt really attaches us to the past
~Guilt is the biggest barrier to Christian growth
~True sorrow leads to life, worldly sorrow leads to spiritual death

2 Corinthians 7:10 (NLT) For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.

~Godly guilt leads us to God
~There should be no regret for the past because that isn’t me. I am free!
~Worldly sorrow has much to do with pride
~It attacks who you are
~We must let go of how we want people to think of us and embrace who we are in God
~Guilt chokes the life out of you instead of drawing you closer to God
~Sort through your guilt. Trash the worldly guilt and embrace Godly sorrow
~Sorrow is a miracle. Don’t shy away from it or hide from it. Examine it and embrace Godly sorrow.

I had arrived steeped in guilt; sitting in that theatre seat where we do church. I left feeling full of hope and forgiveness.

I know I am not the only woman to feel this: this overwhelming load of guilt. I am not the only mother who has bad days (more than we would like to admit – even to each other) where we don’t parent the way we want to. Where we aren’t the wives we wish we could be, or the friend that we feel we are needed to be. There is guilt on every side, threatening to swallow us up.

My challenge to myself this week is to take a moment to categorize my sorrow before allowing the emotions of it to run away with me. Is it a Godly sorrow that leads to repentance and change? Is there any change that needs to happen, or is it simply a guilt I am heaping upon myself because I want people to think differently of me? If I am drowning in worldly guilt – how can I stop, take note of it and decide what to do with it? Do I need to just cast it off, or is there something I can allow God to use to bring change in me?

I am determined to not let my past mistakes with my kids, determine our future. Even though I know I will make many more and I will never be a perfect parent, I am determined to be a parent who teaches my kids how to move through mistakes. How to pick ourselves up, brush off the worldly guilt, and cling to our God. I’m so thankful God didn’t allow me to be stuck in my guilt, but used my sweet, forgiving little girl to teach me an incredible lesson.

Even though I often feel that being a parent brings out the worst in me, and that I wonder if there isn’t a better person for this job – my children humble me by their love for me. And one way I will love them back is by not letting myself be beat down by this guilt that paralyzes, that brings hardness and anger to my heart.

So now that I have written a post about it, I must have this figured out right? WRONG! This will be a post I will need to revisit often because my memory is so short. As a sweet friend said to me one day “Go back and read your own blog – there’s some things in there you need to learn again”. I will add this one to my list.

Amara is 5

Posted on April 26, 2013 by Denise

Happy Fifth Birthday to my sweet girl. Amara, may you continue to hear the voice of God, and continue to be a conduit of His joy wherever you go. Love you so much!! We are so blessed to be called your parents.

Amara’s birthday always brings so many emotions and memories for me.
I remember that her birthmother was scheduled to be induced on a Friday. So we packed up and flew to her birthplace the Monday before.

How we anxiously awaited Friday – it was the longest week of my life! But also had the honour and privilege of meeting her first mother which was something we will always treasure.

And then when Friday came, and I was called into the delivery room… I thought I might faint from the wonder of it all, and yet the very reality that our joy would be this precious mother’s pain… the emotions were so conflicting.

And then, 24 hours later, we signed the legal documents there in the hospital and it was done. She was ours. I still remember crying, yet my emotions were so big I couldn’t cry at all the way my body needed to. Because I was amazed and delighted that she was ours and that the crazy, crazy up and down journey was over – yet I grieved deeply for this mother’s loss. That she was bravely walking out of that hospital with her arms empty, believing that God has chosen us to parent this sweet little girl.

Amara… I tell you all the time that you are God’s special gift to us. And you are. More than you will ever know. Your fourth year was a tough one for you. You lost your status as the youngest child and only daughter in our family. Not to mention that being 4 is just hard in general. I can’t tell you that being 5 will be much easier, but I can tell you that you will make it through just fine. I feel that we are all trying to figure you out as you are growing up. That you seem to be changing so quickly – even you are having a hard time trying to figure you out. One minute, raging tantrums like a toddler, the next – speaking older-than-your-years words of affirmation and wisdom that could only come from the heart of God speaking to you.

You are funny, energetic and such a little stinker sometimes. You can bring me to tears in frustration, then to more tears as you hug me and tell me how precious and loved by God I am even when I make mistakes.
You have my heart, sweet one. You always will.

~Today in the car… just you and I driving to run a few quick errands… you dressed in a beautiful pink dressy coat and new necklace your cousin picked out for your birthday – so beautiful you take my breath away. And you so happy to have a few minutes alone with your mom.
You asked me “Am I still 5 mom?”
I said “Yes sweetheart you are.
And you know what? I love you – all the way to the moon and back.”
And you replied with a little smirk
“I love you all the way to Costco.”
I pretend hurt shock while laughing…
And then you say emphatically, “No mom, I love you THIS much” and you spread your arms back as far as you can… “And all the way to Costco AND back!”

Cocooning Conclusion

Posted on April 18, 2013 by Denise

For an introduction to cocooning and why we chose this for our family, you can see my posts here: Cocooning {Part I}, Cocooning {Part II}, Cocooning {Part III} and any other posts under the category “cocooning”.

If we aren’t careful, parenting can be such a minefield of opinions and judgments. Adoptive parenting is certainly no exception. I have had much loving support in our decision to cocoon, but I have also had opposition. Some people seem to feel judged by my posts because they chose not to cocoon. Others had never heard of it, and wished they had known of this option when their child first came home which has resulted in some feelings of regret.

If there is one thing I keep learning over and over again, it is that it is always dangerous to judge other people’s parenting choices. There are so many things I have done that I swore I would never do… or have not done that I was sure I would do!

I can honestly tell you that cocooning was incredibly hard. Much harder than I expected it to be. And I am an introvert by nature – so I can only assume it might be even that much harder on an extroverted mother. What made cocooning so hard was not so much the isolation from the world, but it was the insanity in our home coupled with the isolation from the world. At one point, I searched through blogs about cocooning and saw how many mothers started out with intentions to cocoon, but simply couldn’t keep it up. I considered quitting as well (many times) – but Giselle’s needs and temperament simply wouldn’t allow it.

I have heard that bringing a child home in the toddler years is one of the hardest/worst times to bring about this huge life change for them. They are not so young that they don’t notice the changes, and they are not so old as to understand any explanations given to them. All they know is, “that was my home, and these people took me away”. Of course each situation is unique, and each child is unique in how the perceive life and handle change.

Saying goodby to her Haitian Nana.

First days with us. I knew she was stressed, but now I can see the intensity of it on her face.

Do I think cocooning is a must in every adoption situation? Not necessarily to the degree we did. But I do think it is important for families to know about this option and to seriously consider it for their family. I think it would be ideal for families to prepare for the possibility that their child will need this, but certainly not all children will need to cocoon to the extent that Giselle did.

I am so very thankful we were already prepared to do this – mentally and in our family’s scheduling. I can only imagine that Giselle’s healing would have taken much, much longer had we not cocooned. She was the type of child who needed this SO incredibly much, and now that we are 8 months into getting to know her, I am absolutely certain that we would have years and years of repercussions to deal with down the road had we not taken her into her new world very slowly.

How do I know this? When she first came home, she slept absolutely horribly. She cried and whined a good part of the night – she really was traumatized by her transport into this completely different world. If I had to make an outing for any reason (ie – the grocery store for some milk, or to the bank), she would sleep even worse that night. One sure trigger every single time was if another person would come up to her, look her in the eye and talk to her. Then I knew it was game over for sure – we weren’t sleeping for at least the next 3 nights.

This became even more evident at around 3-4 months home when she finally started sleeping a bit better. Any new stress during the day would result in a very restless, fitful sleep again. I was expecting to cocoon for 6 weeks. I counted down the days anxiously. At the end of 4 weeks we could manage a quick shopping trip without too much trauma. But she was no where near OK at 6 weeks. And so I dug my heals in for the 3 month mark. By 3 months home, we could do a quick visit at one or two close friends/family. They could come to our house for even shorter visits with minimal “damage”. But she would still get easily confused as to who the new “mother” was, and which one she should be listening to and going to for her needs.

At 4.5 months home, we had planned to go visit family for Christmas (an 8 hour road trip). But after a busy week, and a few Christmas parties, she fell apart and I knew there was no way we could make the trip. So we adjusted our plans (after grieving a little bit) to hunker down for a quiet Christmas at home.

At 7 months home, I finally saw a huge jump in her confidence about where she fit into our family, and that our family unit is consistent. It does not change. People might visit, but they will leave; our family unit doesn’t change. Family members might leave, but they always come back because our family unit doesn’t change. People can talk sweetly to her and maybe even pick her up and thats ok, but she still knows to whom she belongs.

I saw this so evident in our trip to visit family at Easter. While at Christmas she still felt very insecure if someone spoke sweetly to her and got in her space… at Easter, family she had never met were doing those same things, but it didn’t seem to make her feel insecure about my relationship with her. That was a huge relief! I didn’t even realize how hyper vigilant I had become about how people would talk to her, how close they were or how much eye contact they tried to make – because those things would always pull her away from me and confused her. On this trip, I would pull her aside a few times per day and make sure we played our little games to connect with each other. She was always willing to connect, and then would happily go off to play. In the past, when feeling unsure she would always pull away from me and resist connection.

Our trip hasn’t been without pay back. She has reverted back to some of her old tricks of screaming and tantruming instead of using her words. Of being rough with the other kids, and defiant to me and some control battles. But they are manageable, and still in a context of feeling connected with me.

In conclusion, cocooning was a life saver for our family. While it was incredibly hard, the rewards of it are beyond measure for Giselle, and the therefor general peace of our family – because she is at peace. The gift that cocooning gives, is giving a baseline of “normal” for your child. Because at about 6 weeks home, she was adjusting and becoming more comfortable in our family, we could see her at her “normal”. Then when she was in a situation she found stressful, we could see her stress coming out in ways that weren’t her normal. Without that baseline, I don’t know how I would have known to read her cues. The draw back to cocooning was my extreme loneliness on top of the fatigue and stress. That didn’t help our bonding as I was easily frustrated and upset. In hindsight, we should have had Darren take paternity leave for at least 1-3 months. I think it would have set us up for better ways of dealing with stressful situations at home that I just didn’t have the chance to implement on my own. I was literally trying to survive moment by moment. The challenge now is to unlearn some of my ways of dealing with Giselle, and to work more on making our relationship more fun.

Thank you for so many of you who have encouraged, understood and supported our decision to allow Giselle to adjust to her new life at her own pace. Somedays that understanding was what helped me to get through just one more day. And you all share in the rewards now – as she is, for the most part, a happy and confident little girl.

In her own words…

“Daddy, Mommy, Kylar, Amara and Giselle. Everybody my family! Giselle happy family!”

Kylar and the Wolf

Posted on April 5, 2013 by Denise

Kylar is a lover of all things animal. Except for snakes. But other than that, he can tell you more than you ever knew you needed to know, about almost any type of animal.

His current passion (as of today) is wolves. He has decided he will purchase a large parcel of land and raise wolves. And reptiles in his home. He has asked me a few times today if we will please let him raise a wolf now. I have come up with many reasons as to why this is completely impossible and will absolutely never happen during his childhood in our home, but he has not given up.

Kylar's new passion... As a last resort, he brought me this poem by Shel Silverstein. He said “Mom, just replace the girl’s name with my name, and the pony with a wolf.”

Little Abigail and the Beautiful Pony

There was a girl named Abigail
Who was taking a drive
Through the country
With her parents
When she spied a beautiful sad-eyed
Grey and white pony.
And next to it was a sign
That said,
FOR SALE-CHEAP.
“Oh,” said Abigail,
“May I have that pony?
May I please?”
And her parents said,
“No you may not.”
And Abigail said,
“But I MUST have that pony.”
And her parents said,
“Well, you can’t have that pony,
But you can have a nice butter pecan
Ice cream cone when we get home.”
And Abigail said,
“I don’t want a butter pean
Ice cream cone,
I WANT THAT PONY-
MUST HAVE THAT PONY.”
And her parents said,
“Be quiet and stop nagging-
You’re not getting that pony.”
And Abigail began to cry and said,
“If I don’t get that pony I’ll die.
And her parents said, “You won’t die.
No child ever died yet from not getting a pony.”
And Abigail felt so bad
That when they got home she went to bed,
And she couldn’t eat,
And she couldn’t sleep,
And her heart was broken,
And she DID die-
All because of a pony
That her parents wouldn’t buy.

(This is a good story
To read to your folks
When they won’t buy
You something you want.)

The best part is the picture of the parents sobbing by her death bed saying “Oh… what fools we were.” and “Oh if she were only alive I would buy her a hundred ponies!”

Nice try Kylar. Still there will not be a wolf being raised in our city lot. But I love the passion and love you have for God’s creation. I look forward to seeing where it leads you!

The Long Awaited Road Trip

Posted on April 3, 2013 by Denise

We finally made the road trip to BC to visit my extended family. If you remember, we were hoping to go there for Christmas, but as the date came closer and closer, we realized Giselle just wasn’t ready for it. I was still holding this trip loosely – not wanting to get our hopes up too much in case we could sense in Giselle that she still wasn’t ready.

The captain of our ship… Happy that he doesn’t mind driving, and that he doesn’t mind me reading while he drives ;)

But on Thursday of last week, we were all packed up into the van and heading out. I was curious to see how she would handle it. Often times, any more than 20 minutes in the vehicle and she is cranky and whiny. This trip is 8 hours long on a good day – easily 10 when kids are needing to have bathroom breaks every 2 hours. She has also become terribly car sick a few times since being home, so I was expecting some car sickness along the way.

Traveling mercies…

A rare treasure – seeing the peak of Mt Robson. It is usually hidden by clouds. Love the drive through the mountains! They are in my blood and always will be.

She did wonderfully! We actually made the trip in 8 hours. There was no car sickness, and she even had a little nap on the way. Concern #1 done and passed with flying colours.

Concern #2 – How would she react to all the family members she had never met before, being away from home, and sleeping in a different bed for 4 nights?

We have a calendar in the girls’ room with family photos – so she knew most of my family by face and by name. The first thing she did when she got out of the van, and she saw my Dad standing at the open door was yell at the top of her lungs “Poppa!!!” and ran into his arms. It was magical! Let me just say that at that moments, he was putty in her hands. And wrapped around her little finger in an instant! My Dad is a tall, large man with a big voice, so children are often intimidated by him. It blessed him to no end that Giselle was so affectionate and comfortable with him.

Poppa has discovered that the way to a child’s heart is… Marshmallows!

She did well with everyone. My sisters, her cousins – a house full of people and noise and activity. She was nervous the first night we were there, but I showed her where everyone was sleeping which seemed to help her to calm down. She slept well every nap and night we were there which is amazing. She reacts to any stress during the day by a restless sleep and often crying out, but she slept really peacefully most nights.

Cousins reading stories together.

Sweet boy has too many aunties around and not enough males to protect him from us :)

Sweet boy… he has too many aunties around and not enough males to protect him from us.

The best thing was seeing that my while my sisters and mom were super sweet and kind to her, it didn’t sway her from her attachment to me. This has been a big issue in the past. That when friends/family are very kind and helpful to her, she reacts by wanting to be with them only, and rejects any direction or affection from me. This was so wonderful for me to see! That she could have other loving people in her life, but still understand that her core family unit is intact and won’t change. That she doesn’t need to charm other people (usually women) as a back-up plan in case I leave her.

First Easter egg hunt!

All in all, this trip was even better than I could have dreamed. I am so thankful that we waited as long as we did to make this trip. And I’m deeply impressed with how far Giselle has come even in the past 3 months.

With this, I think I can officially say that our cocooning is over. And here I thought that we could cocoon for 6 weeks! Instead, to one degree or another, we have cocooned for almost 8 months. And of course, we will revert to that as needed when we can sense she is needing extra time with her family unit. I am working on a conclusion to cocooning post hopefully coming to your inbox soon.

The Best Moment Yet

Posted on March 22, 2013 by Denise

I just experienced one of those moments that makes you want to stop time and relish in it for an hour our two.

Let me set the scene. I arrived home Sunday evening from the retreat, and Darren left on Monday morning for an out of town job that was supposed to call him away for only “one night… maybe two”. It is Friday evening and he still isn’t home. We had an ugly snow storm blow in while he was away… so ugly that yesterday they closed major highways and freeways. Darren was stuck in his out of town destination yesterday because of closed roads. Sitting in his hotel room, “bored”. But we won’t go into that as I still have some bitterness to deal with there ;)

This is not a good scene for a just-home-from-retreat momma. Because you know that you always burn out and crash at some point after a retreat. And I did. And the kids all took turns waking me up every night. And I stayed up too late because I was feeling so in need of personal space. And we were stuck in the house together too much due to weather.

So that’s been our week. Not my proudest parenting week. Many days I didn’t have the energy to put any effort into making sure my connections to Giselle or the other kids were staying strong, I was just trying to get through the day without too much drama. On Wednesday I crashed – thankfully while on the phone with a very wise and loving friend who gave me “The WORD” that I so needed to hear. Reminding me of the truth that was spoken to me on the weekend. And reminding me that all that truth was now being tested to see if I would believe in Him, or just fall back on my typical habit of beating myself up for all my failures – whether real or imagined. (thanks M! You are such a blessing.)

Today when Giselle woke up from her nap, I knew I needed to spend some one-on-one with her to reconnect. I was feeling better, and thought I probably had the emotional energy to put into this. It sounds complicated, but in reality it is just those little things you have probably been doing with your child since they were born. Loving eye contact. “Mirroring” – playing games where you copy each other such as peek-a-boo and singing songs. Tickling, playing, reading books… those types of things. But it’s exhausting when you know it will be a battle at least at first. Sure enough, she wanted non of it. So I held her while she screamed at me. I held her when she glared at me and pouted. I held her until she asked for songs and I sang her favourite one. Until she played peek a boo and her silly belly button game. And when I could see she was back (she was “mine” again), and happy. When she could happily look me in the eye, I let her go play.

Just now as I was bundling them up to go outside to play in the massive and ridiculous amounts of snow the second day of spring bestowed upon us, she suddenly said… Right out of the blue…

“Family is good.”

I didn’t believe my ears. I said “What did you say Giselle?”

“Family is good.”

Ahhh! I am tearing up while writing this. Yes, Giselle family is good! Our family is even better for having you here. And you, my dear are so good at forgiving this fumbling, bumbling momma. And God is so good at redeeming my messes, and taking the things I do right and multiplying them like the loaves and the fishes. And somehow, again, God is taking us and making it something beautiful. I couldn’t be more grateful.

Family is good.

Weekend Away Update

Posted on March 20, 2013 by Denise

I was imagining me coming home from the weekend, walking in the door and the kids all crowding around me, so happy to see me home. Well, things rarely go as we imagine them do they? Instead, in some ways it was even sweeter. The kids were all watching a movie downstairs when I came in. The house was so quiet. When our dog let out a short “hello” bark, Giselle must have heard it. I heard her coming up the stairs a fast as her little legs could carry her. All the way up she was saying “Mommy! Mommy!” and I got HUGE hugs and happy kisses from her. That was a sweet blessing.

When the movie ended for the kids, and we were all upstairs together… Darren and I were preparing dinner and the kids were being wild, I said to Darren “I feel like I just came from a very polite and civilized place, but somehow landed back to the caveman times.” ;) It took me awhile to get used to the noise level here again. Or should I say, it took me awhile to get the children’s noise level back to what I can manage as Darren’s ability to block out the noise the kids make far surpasses mine.

Giselle did so much better than I anticipated. Thanks so much for those of you who prayed! Daddy kept them busy and they had a lot of fun going to McD*nalds, baking cookies, having dance parties and shopping. I know – weird right? I don’t even take all the kids shopping “just for fun”! Brave man.

I was waiting to write this post as I wanted to see how Giselle would be on Monday and Tuesday… to see if there were any behaviours showing that she was upset by my absence. The only signs were that she had a little control battle over the potty (something she hasn’t done in months), and she has had nightmares the past few nights where she wakes up screaming for me. She normally has some nightmares, but these seemed to be more intense and more often than normal.

I was looking for signs that she was feeling disconnected from me, or that perhaps she felt she couldn’t trust me… but she was making good eye contact right away, wanted to be held and she wanting to nurse almost right away which was also a really good sign. I’m glad she is able to ask for what she needs to feel reconnected with me. I am so relieved that this didn’t seem to make her feel terribly insecure! For the most part, she is becoming a pretty laid back, happy little girl who is easy to have around. It is so rewarding and such a blessing to see her trust us with her heart. And to see her confidence that we will always come back to her.

As for me – it was a great weekend to reconnect with some friends I haven’t seen for awhile, make some new friends, have the quiet to hear from God, have a looong nap, and not have to worry about preparing/cleaning up meals. I needed it to be one day longer, but it was a good first time away. My talk on Friday night went really well. My biggest concern was that I would start to cry and not be able to stop while speaking, but I didn’t cry at all - it was nice to be spared that potentially awkward situation!

Next up… our weekend away to BC to visit family over Easter. I am feeling hopeful that this quick trip will be a positive experience for Giselle as well. I think she really is ready for it. Christmas was definitely too soon for her, but I think this will be good. And I am really tired and starting to ramble, so I will end this here. Thanks again for your prayers and support over us for this last weekend.

With Anticipation and Trepidation

Posted on March 15, 2013 by Denise

Since Giselle has come home, I have not left her for more than about 6 hours. For the most part she is now fine with me leaving to run errands or be out of the house even if Daddy puts her to bed and she doesn’t see me until morning.

This weekend I am going to our church’s women’s retreat. I have been so looking forward to this 2 night escape – I can’t even tell you! Darren went on a men’s retreat last weekend, and so I haven’t really had a break for 2 weeks (again – single moms out there… hats off to you!), I am pms’ing and so ready to have a break and some space. And some uninterrupted conversation with other adults.

I am also a little bit terrified of how Giselle will take it. I don’t really know that she will make life too difficult for Darren this weekend, but I do think she will probably manage some interesting pay back for me next week.

One thing that she has started lately is this amazing whine. She mostly does it as a little gift for Darren when he comes home, but I have been slowly noticing it transferring into her interactions with me as well. She already has a small, somewhat high voice – so add the whine… it only makes me want to scratch my eye-balls out a little bit. We have been working on saying things in her nice voice, and she is catching herself more and more… but I am imagining a very whiny, tempter tantrum throwing, not sleeping, screaming kind of week. But praying that non of that happens.

The interesting thing is that Amara has been extremely clingy to me lately as well. Nope I’m not feeling claustrophobic at all! So I might be getting pay back from a few different angles.

But, I know I NEED this. I might possibly crawl into my bed on Friday night and stay there until Sunday afternoon except from meals and ~~potty~~ bathroom breaks. That actually sounds like heaven to me right now.

I have been asked to speak to the group of women on Friday night, so I might manage to stay out of my pj’s until that is over. I am planning on talking about our adoption journey and about God’s redemption. If you think of it, please pray that God gives me the words to say that someone in that group needs to hear. And perhaps God is leading another family to open up their hearts and home to a child in need. I have a feeling I will be having a few one-on-one conversations about adoption and our journey. Again, please pray that I have words to say – I never want to portray this as an easy journey, but worth it?! Oh yes! I wouldn’t change the story God has written for us. Not one word.

My Road to Healing {part 2}

Posted on February 28, 2013 by Denise

if you missed it, read My Road to Healing {Part 1} here.

Then finally! The long awaited, longed for day. 4 trips to Haiti in 1.5 years. 3 of those times, my heart ripped out by leaving her behind. But the 4th trip is when she comes home. The dream of taking her on that airplane and entering Canada finally coming true! Of the airport party of loved family and friends in our home town – finally happening!

And the fear. The anxiety. Our world was about to be turned upside down and we had no idea what our family would look like in a few weeks.

Many adoption experts say that the new child will “honeymoon” for 4-6 weeks after coming home (where the child will behave and generally try to please you). Giselle didn’t really do that. I think she honeymooned for about 4-6 days, but even then – not really. There were times in Haiti when she would hit, bite, kick and scream at me. But she did manage to regress even more around 4 weeks. (I am not blaming her for this – she had every right to be incredibly confused and upset).

I won’t go over all her behaviours here… because these posts are about me ;) But Giselle has a wail… a pitch to her scream/tantrum that instantly sets my nerves on edge, raises my blood pressure and either makes me want to run and fix whatever is causing that scream, or loose my temper. And the scream is exactly the same for “She looked at me and I didn’t like it!” as it is for “I smacked my head on the corner of the wall”. I’m sure this was a great survival tactic in the orphanage, but it doesn’t translate well to family life. The effort it took for me to try and not loose my patience during her incessant screams the first 3-4 months was intense. And I often failed. Then Amara started with her tantrums over the most insignificant detail. And Kylar was feeling overwhelmed by all the chaos and girls screaming… and neglected because of all the attention the girls demanded. There were days where he (and I!) wondered if our lives would ever be peaceful again. To be brutally honest, there were times I was sure we had ruined our family.

I couldn’t use the bathroom alone. My bedroom was taken over by Giselle. I had to be present with the girls almost every second or they would be hurting each other. My husband was getting used to my texts by 10:00 am saying “Is it really too early to have a drink? Because I can’t do this anymore!” And then the control battles Giselle would engage in over every. single. little. tiny. freaking. possible. thing. Drained me to the core. I was exhausted. Did I mention I was completely exhausted? As Giselle also did her whine/cry thing for hours and hours every night. On a good night I was getting maybe 3 or 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Of course this in itself was making both of us cranky as she was beyond exhausted as well.

All this to say: I am drained of me. I am not the mother I was. Our home is not the place it was. I believe the stress has thrown my hormones out of balance, and my emotions seem to come out of nowhere with little or no warning. I am exhausted and depleted. My sweet mom was here visiting recently, and she was shocked at seeing me in person for the first time since Giselle first arrived home. Seeing how tired and completely drained I look. And she is seeing me now – me in the middle of healing, not even close to the worst of the transition.

But at 7 months since Giselle’s arrival, I am slowly starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Darren is pushing me to get out of the house on my own more. Some days the kids are pushing me out the door too ;) I am taking some hormone balancing herbs, and some adrenal supports. We are focusing on eating healthy and occasionally I’m even doing a short work out. For the first time since Giselle arrived I no longer have acne on my face, and very slowly I am loosing the stress-weight I have gained. Since moving her out of my room, I am finally getting some full nights of sleep which makes all the difference in the world.

Helping manage my life right now...

Some days I feel like I can see myself in here again. Some days I can take a few more deep breaths and be more patient with the kids just a bit more than before. We are laughing more often, and my heart is feeling the capacity to adore my children again. I can scoop up Giselle and giving her lots of kisses in her favourite places… and when she has her grieving/sad moments – they don’t always drain me completely. Some evenings I can carry a coherent conversation with my husband that isn’t only about the children. This isn’t only an uphill climb – I still have many days when I feel like I am just trying to crawl through each moment until their bedtime, and I didn’t do the day well. I have days when I feel like my regrets of the way I have parented and the energy it requires to do it better, will swallow me whole. But at least there are moments when I can think clearly enough now to work through them a little at a time.

I have been blessed with some amazing friends and family support during this process. Some of you I have met via this blog… some FB friends that I have never or rarely met in person have been the understanding listening ear I desperately needed… some of you have been placed into my life as constant and supportive beams that have held me up and encouraged me to keep going. And of course my husband who has held me while I cried, voiced my frustration and doubts. Under it all though, is the foundation of the prayers of my mother. My friends, if you have a mother who prays you know what I am talking about. There is a power in those prayers that effects change. It challenges me (and gives me much hope) in my prayers for my children as well.

And so this is what I am {very slowly} learning. That God isn’t just redeeming Giselle’s time away from us while she was at the orphanage. He is redeeming all of us in the here and now. When I make mistakes. When I yell even though I should speak softly. When I get frustrated even though I should be more patient. God is redeeming that in their lives, and in mine. And I am feeling more freedom from all the guilt I have been carrying. The guilt that is slowly finding it’s rightful place – at the foot of the cross of Jesus.

Perhaps I am finally learning this truth – that being a Christ follower isn’t so much about doing everything perfectly (because we never will), but in allowing Christ to continuously redeem the mistakes we make. And seeing Him make something beautiful out of our mere humanness is what drives us to our knees in awe and we can finally say with all honesty and humility “It really isn’t about me. It really is about You and how You make all things beautiful. And how You do it to show your glory – because that is the most loving thing You could do.” Praise God!

I am ever so thankful for the things I have learned in the past 4 years. Oh yes, I am very thankful that this leg of the journey is over. I think the worst of our adjustment is over. The pain and heartache of the adoption process is healing in me. I feel like I am mending and that I am slowly, ever so slowly finding me again. But the lessons learned in the process are priceless. And if there is one thing I truly know – it is that my personal heartache in this adoption process is small compared to the loss and pain Giselle has been through.

“Who is among you who (reverently) fears the Lord, who obeys the voice of His Servant, yet who walks in darkness and deep trouble and has no shining splendour [in his heart]? Let him rely on, trust in, and be confident in the name of the Lord, and let him lean upon and be supported by his God.”
Isaiah 50:10 (AMP)

My Road to Healing {part 1}

Posted on February 27, 2013 by Denise

There is a lot of focus during the adoption process on the children being adoption. As well there should be. They are only little children after all, going through circumstances they didn’t ask for or deserve. They are the ones making so many new changes – new home, new family, new language.

But adoption doesn’t just affect the adopted children. It affects every single person in the family and even reaches to the extended family and friends. For me, this journey has been 3.5 years of longing, torment, excitement and wondering.

For those of you who might not know… we started our second adoption (Giselle’s) in May of 2009. We knew we would adopt again, but still didn’t have clear direction as to where from. So many ups and downs, twists and turns until we landed on Haiti. And then Haiti experienced the horrible earthquake in 2010. We thought we might be back to square one in choosing a country, as Haiti was then closed to adoptions. Haiti opened to adoptions in April of 2010, so we proceeded with collecting all the necessary paperwork to continue. Then all the adoption ups and downs. Discovering our file had been “lost” at IBESR when it should have already made it to the President’s desk. Our file arrived at the President’s desk just as a new president took over and he didn’t start to sign files for 3 months. Some things went smoothly, but most steps were stressful, long and hard.

I know it is difficult to understand until you have been through the adoption process. How one’s heart can fall in love with a child before they are in your family. How you can grieve for them, ache for them – when all you’ve seen is a photo (if that). All I can relate it to is the first few months of pregnancy of a child who has been longed for and planned. As soon as that pregnancy test stick says “positive”, you love that child. You can’t feel them, see them… you know nothing about them except that they are yours and you would do anything to protect them. You start to think about them all the time. You start to feel guilty when you drink caffeine, when you eat McD*nald’s… so you start to eat healthier, and cut out caffeine. You read about what size the baby is each week and where their development is at. It becomes so much a part of you that it is difficult to separate the baby from yourself. And when you first feel the movement in the womb – you are completely and utterly taken over by the wonder of it. And so it is with our adopted children. They grow in our hearts so completely while preparing for the adoption, that when we finally see the first photo – it’s as if our hearts are crying out “I know you!” and somehow we can’t imagine them looking any different. They are beautiful. They are ours – wholly and completely.

And then you give birth. That magical first moment that you held your child, counted their fingers and toes, made sure the sex of the child. Then imagine leaving them with caretakers you don’t know and you have no idea of how they really care for children. In a country with little medical care and crazy storms and earthquakes. Imagine that you leave them there and let lawyers decide how quickly they will work until you can bring them home. You might as well rip your heart out. And that is how it was for me. I felt like most of my mind, and a big part of my heart was left in Haiti. Every time I checked email centred around wondering if there was an update (my heart still does a little leap every time I see our orphanage director’s name – even though I am not waiting for any news).

But in the peripheral of it all I was wondering if we were insane for doing this.

Would our new child be so traumatized that she wouldn’t be able to function properly in a family? The horror stories in blog world haunted my dreams. Would our child purposefully defecate all over our home? Would we eventually need to hide knives and put locks on her door to make sure we could sleep safely? Would she harm our other children and seek to turn other adults against us by telling lies about us… or rage for hours, harming us, our children and destroying our home… These are not unheard of issues, and some adoptive parents deal with this daily.

And so I studied and studied attachment and post adoption care.

And I cleaned/purged my home. We renovated. We nested and prepared. We tried to enjoy time together as a family of 4.

I was restless. For 3 years, 3 months I was restless. And often felt sick with the wondering.

And then it finally happened… the email stating that things were ready and we could go pick up our child. The time when all the dreams and fears begin to become realities.

read My Road to Healing {Part 2} here.