Kylar is a lover of all things animal. Except for snakes. But other than that, he can tell you more than you ever knew you needed to know, about almost any type of animal.

His current passion (as of today) is wolves. He has decided he will purchase a large parcel of land and raise wolves. And reptiles in his home. He has asked me a few times today if we will please let him raise a wolf now. I have come up with many reasons as to why this is completely impossible and will absolutely never happen during his childhood in our home, but he has not given up.

As a last resort, he brought me this poem by Shel Silverstein. He said “Mom, just replace the girl’s name with my name, and the pony with a wolf.”

Little Abigail and the Beautiful Pony

There was a girl named Abigail
Who was taking a drive
Through the country
With her parents
When she spied a beautiful sad-eyed
Grey and white pony.
And next to it was a sign
That said,
FOR SALE-CHEAP.
“Oh,” said Abigail,
“May I have that pony?
May I please?”
And her parents said,
“No you may not.”
And Abigail said,
“But I MUST have that pony.”
And her parents said,
“Well, you can’t have that pony,
But you can have a nice butter pecan
Ice cream cone when we get home.”
And Abigail said,
“I don’t want a butter pean
Ice cream cone,
I WANT THAT PONY-
MUST HAVE THAT PONY.”
And her parents said,
“Be quiet and stop nagging-
You’re not getting that pony.” 
And Abigail began to cry and said,
“If I don’t get that pony I’ll die.
And her parents said, “You won’t die.
No child ever died yet from not getting a pony.”
And Abigail felt so bad
That when they got home she went to bed, 
And she couldn’t eat, 
And she couldn’t sleep,
And her heart was broken,
And she DID die-
All because of a pony
That her parents wouldn’t buy.

(This is a good story 
To read to your folks
When they won’t buy
You something you want.)

The best part is the picture of the parents sobbing by her death bed saying “Oh… what fools we were.” and “Oh if she were only alive I would buy her a hundred ponies!”

Nice try Kylar. Still there will not be a wolf being raised in our city lot. But I love the passion and love you have for God’s creation. I look forward to seeing where it leads you!

I just experienced one of those moments that makes you want to stop time and relish in it for an hour our two.

Let me set the scene. I arrived home Sunday evening from the retreat, and Darren left on Monday morning for an out of town job that was supposed to call him away for only “one night… maybe two”. It is Friday evening and he still isn’t home. We had an ugly snow storm blow in while he was away… so ugly that yesterday they closed major highways and freeways. Darren was stuck in his out of town destination yesterday because of closed roads. Sitting in his hotel room, “bored”. But we won’t go into that as I still have some bitterness to deal with there ;)

This is not a good scene for a just-home-from-retreat momma. Because you know that you always burn out and crash at some point after a retreat. And I did. And the kids all took turns waking me up every night. And I stayed up too late because I was feeling so in need of personal space. And we were stuck in the house together too much due to weather.

So that’s been our week. Not my proudest parenting week. Many days I didn’t have the energy to put any effort into making sure my connections to Giselle or the other kids were staying strong, I was just trying to get through the day without too much drama. On Wednesday I crashed – thankfully while on the phone with a very wise and loving friend who gave me “The WORD” that I so needed to hear. Reminding me of the truth that was spoken to me on the weekend.  And reminding me that all that truth was now being tested to see if I would believe in Him, or just fall back on my typical habit of beating myself up for all my failures – whether real or imagined. (thanks M! You are such a blessing.)

Today when Giselle woke up from her nap, I knew I needed to spend some one-on-one with her to reconnect. I was feeling better, and thought I probably had the emotional energy to put into this. It sounds complicated, but in reality it is just those little things you have probably been doing with your child since they were born. Loving eye contact. “Mirroring” – playing games where you copy each other such as peek-a-boo and singing songs. Tickling, playing, reading books… those types of things. But it’s exhausting when you know it will be a battle at least at first. Sure enough, she wanted non of it. So I held her while she screamed at me. I held her when she glared at me and pouted. I held her until she asked for songs and I sang her favourite one. Until she played peek a boo and her silly belly button game. And when I could see she was back (she was “mine” again), and happy. When she could happily look me in the eye, I let her go play.

Just now as I was bundling them up to go outside to play in the massive and ridiculous amounts of snow the second day of spring bestowed upon us, she suddenly said… Right out of the blue…

“Family is good.”

I didn’t believe my ears. I said “What did you say Giselle?”

“Family is good.”

Ahhh! I am tearing up while writing this. Yes, Giselle family is good!  Our family is even better for having you here. And you, my dear are so good at forgiving this fumbling, bumbling momma. And God is so good at redeeming my messes, and taking the things I do right and multiplying them like the loaves and the fishes. And somehow, again, God is taking us and making it something beautiful. I couldn’t be more grateful.

Family is good.

I am so proud of my husband as he is taking his resolution to eat healthier and loose weight this year. Part of that means cutting out most wheat and sugar. The hardest thing for our kids is that they love the tradition of making pancakes or waffles on Saturday morning with Darren. We recently found a replacement recipe that we LOVE!

Cottage Cheese Pancakes (don’t stop reading even if you hate cottage cheese like Kylar does – he loves these pancakes!)

1 cup cottage cheese (we have some texture issues in our family, so we use a hand blender to take out all the lumps of the cottage cheese

1/3 cup whole wheat flour (will be experimenting with other flours such as quinoa, but really this is still very little flour for 6 pancakes

1/2 tsp baking powder

2 Tbsp olive oil or grapeseed oil

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

3 eggs lightly beaten

1/2 tsp cinnamon

Combine flour, cinnamon and baking powder in a bowl. Hand blend the cottage cheese if desired, add eggs, oil and vanilla. Combine all ingredients and cook as you would any other pancakes. I found that a slightly lower heat will allow them to cook all the way through without being mushy in the middle. Yield: 6 medium sized pancakes

Normally when we have plain pancakes, I find we are all hungry about 2 hours later. But this recipe is so full of protein we stay full until lunch (Bonus!). And they taste amazing!

My only advice? Double the recipe. We always seem to run out before everyone has had enough.

Finally the weather has warmed up, the sun was shining and the day was perfect for taking Giselle on her first sledding trip.

The park is only a short walk from our home, so Darren loaded the girls into a sled and pulled them there. Giselle was already grinning from ear to ear. So far, so good.

We get to the top of the hill, she sees other kids hurtling down the snowy hill… and he gives the girls a gentle push down. All I see are smiles… but I’m wondering how she will do with climbing back up the hill – her and her short little legs all stiff in the snow pants.

She almost ran up! She beat Amara up the hill pretty much every time. One time I could almost have sworn she was skipping…

The best part… every time she reached the top, Darren and I would receive HUGE hugs of delight and joy. And then it was back on the sled for another trip. On the tube sled, she went more slowly as she is so light. I wondered if she would cry for help to carry that big thing back up (it’s light, but awkward in size). After a few failed attempts, she figured out that she could kick it up ahead of her. She is a pro! It’s like she has been sledding all her life…

It was such a joy to watch her! My little, fearful little girl is becoming so confident. But even more than that, she is TRUSTING us. Trusting that we won’t put her in a situation where she will be in danger. Confident that we have her best interests in mind. Oh my heart! It was a wonderful afternoon.

I wish I would have brought my SLR camera instead of just the little digital, but I hate lugging the big camera to the hill. So these sorry little pictures are the best I’ve got…

So, SO tired of my header and background. And I simply don’t have the time or energy to try and figure out how to re-do it on WordPress. Any brainiacs out there that can lead to me a good and SIMPLE sight about how to update it?

Why does it take a tragedy like the shooting in CT for us to hold our children that much closer, for a little longer. Why does it take death to remind us to love well?

There are days when I so badly just want to be alone. all. day. I don’t want to hear one more whine, one more demand, one more need.

And then this.

It really bothers me that loss and grief and death are often what it takes for me to remember. That this life – the hard, the beautiful and ugly, the chaos and the messy, (always!) messy rooms… that this is life. And all of life is a gift.

It is a reminder that God can and does bring beauty from ashes, and will always restore that which was lost – in His time and in His way. He can’t help but do that. It is His make-up, who He is.

Holding your children for a little longer…whispering an extra phrase of love in their ear… appreciating the chaos of life with littles… these things help to bring beauty into this unfair, often cruel and callous world. This might just help plant those seeds of love and belonging into our children’s hearts that can make all the difference in their world.

But it will fade – this terror in our hearts of “what could have been?”. And we will go back to the normal.

I keep coming back to this… the only way to change our perspective in life is gratitude. Again, I feel challenged to remember to always give thanks in all things. So that the preciousness of life isn’t lost in the rush and the mundane and the clingy whines. So that it doesn’t take tragedy to remind us to be grateful for what each moment of every day brings.

And prayer. The powerful, life-giving, changing power of prayer. Which is where I am heading now…

Recently we attending our local annual adoption Christmas party. So many faces that I only see a few times per year, and some who didn’t even know we were in the process of adopting again. A lot of people giving Giselle attention which is always overwhelming for her. A lot of people asking me “How is it going?”. Meaning… how is your life since you adopted an older child? Some people (who have been there, done that) are asking because they know how hard it can be. Some (who are considering or in process of an older child adoption) are desperately hoping that I will say it is all wonderful and has gone smoothly.

I simply say “It was a really rough start, but we are doing much better now.” And it’s true – we are doing MUCH better now! I realize that with the healing in our children it is often two steps forward, one (large) step back, so perhaps that means we are on a forward step right now. But I’m enjoying this time in our family’s life.

Giselle is sleeping much better. While she still wakes up at night a few times per week, she is doing better with self-soothing and eventually falling back asleep. She is still in our bedroom as she often still sleeps so restlessly, but I’m hoping (REALLY hoping) she will move into Amara’s room soon. I am really missing having a room to retreat to.

The Doctor’s office says she is free of her parasite. I’m not sure that I believe them. It can take a month or two for the symptoms of the parasite to clear up, even after it has been eradicated. So we will give it a bit more time and see if it seems to have cleared up or if we need to re-test.

She is growing! She can finally wear size 3 clothing – up from the 18-24 months and size 2 that she was wearing when she first came home. Her feet are still very small and haven’t grown very much at all.

The biggest changes are in her language development. She now speaks in small sentences “Open door please” or “Mommy, don’t close eyes” when she wants me to wake up in the morning. This morning she scolded me “Mommy, no socks! Daddy’s socks!” because I bought new white socks and she thought I stole Darren’s socks. The funny thing with this language acquisition is when she picks a phrase and says it over and over and over. Lately it has been “I know!” or “I don’t know”. It’s cute at first, but… ;) She seems to understand almost everything we are saying.

The tantrums have been cut down by about 85% from when she first came home. Language acquisition has helped a lot. Feeling more rested and secure in her place here has also helped. She tests our boundaries sometimes now, not constantly like when she first came home. Food issues are mostly resolved. She is eating better and a bit quicker than she was a few weeks ago. I started to set a timer when she was dragging meal time on for forever. When the timer went, she had to leave her food and wait for the next meal. That only had to happen a few times and now she eats fairly well. Also, it is recommended when adopted children first come home, that they are fed every 2 hours (so they know they won’t go hungry and also helps keep blood sugars stable). I finally realized she wasn’t needing that anymore. Too many snacks weren’t helping with dinner time eating.

Giselle and Amara are playing really well together. As well (if not better) than I would expect most siblings play together. They go play together in the basement – my kids have never played in the basement before! This is huge for me as it keeps them from constantly being under my feet in our little bungalow.  This is especially helpful when I’m cooking.

She is still a Daddy’s girl. While she still prefers me when it’s bedtime, she is very happy with her Daddy and generally follows him around the house when he is home. I am so happy for Darren as he finally has a Daddy’s kid, and I still feel like she is sufficiently bonded to me that I don’t worry about it. She is also great about making him go through some of the issues that she puts me through – the holding food in her mouth forever, and then saying she needs to go poo (because she doesn’t want to eat the food), but not actually going to the toilet, but instead sits there for ever… it makes me giggle when he gets so exasperated with her because he often doesn’t see these day to day frustrations that I sometimes have with her.

She feels like my child. I knew that this would just take some time – but it took longer than I expected. I am so relieved that it no longer feels like I am babysitting. My heart really does feel deep affection and love for her.

I am blessed to be her mother.

I feel like we are finally getting to the end of Giselle’s regression. It took about two weeks for it to feel like we are somewhat back to “normal” – normal tantrums, normal squabbles, but not the crazy fits and screaming all the time anymore. Whew!! She is still VERY up and down with her sleeping. Two nights ago, I had a hard time falling asleep and just as I dozed off at 12:30, she woke up for a marathon whiny/crying? until 4:30am.  I don’t know what she is really doing. I think it starts out as whining and then eventually turns to crying. Nothing seems to be working, so we are just riding it out and hoping it changes soon. The last 3 times Darren has slept in her our room she has slept through the night though, so I guess I am moving into the spare room now. He says the reason she sleeps well with him in the room is because he snores (which is the reason I DON’T sleep well with him in the room!).

A few days ago, we were shopping, when Giselle saw this jacket…

She pointed at it and started yelling “Josephine!! Josephine, Mommy – Josephine!” She was so excited and somewhat distressed at the same time. Josephine is her baby sister who is still at the orphanage in Haiti. She loves all the children from the orphanage, but she seems to have a special place in her heart for little Josephine…

Josephine and Giselle (August 2012)

Ever since then, I have noticed that Giselle is bringing up the names of her friends more often and just seems to be missing them. I did have photos of her friends, Nannies and orphanage in a small album for her to look at but she kept ripping the pages out, so I had put it away for awhile.

While in an office supply store recently, I picked up these little self-laminating pouches. They are peel and stick, and very easy to use. I was thinking about using them to make up little clip-art cards about the places we go. For instance, when we were driving to Kylar’s piano lesson, I could give her a card with a piano on it. Gymnastics, a photo of a gymnast, etc. That way she could feel a sense of power just in knowing where we were headed.

It was a great idea, but I didn’t get around to making them. And I’m glad, because I came up with a better idea in the mean time.

I cut each of the photos of her friends small enough that it could fit in the laminate pouch. Hole punched it and put a ribbon through the holes. A metal ring would work better.

She LOVES this! She carries it with her everywhere. She brings it to me and we go through all the names of her friends. While I can see that this has helped, I can still sense that she is really grieving and sad for the loss of her orphanage family in Haiti. I wonder if she also thinks “I lost that family, could I loose this one as well?”. But grieving is healthy.  And while I wish I could just make all the loss go away, I am glad she is on the road to healing.

“Everyone” says that attachment and adjustment to a new family is always 2 steps forward, one step back. Sometimes it feels like one small step forward and two large steps back.

Giselle has been regressing in the past few days. Going back to some bad habits like not sleeping. Not talking, but screaming instead. Not sleeping. And did I mention: not sleeping? When I look back, I see that we did a lot of new things last week. Church on Thanksgiving Sunday. An uncle she had never met before, over for dinner on Monday. A friend and her 2 children over for a visit… non of it seemed that huge to us, but I think it wore her confidence down.

It is hard for me to see that today, going into a store made her draw into her shell again. That even at home, she is playing with her belly button more – a sign she is not feeling confident. Of course, not sleeping doesn’t help with her day time frame of mind (or ours!), so all in all it is hard not to feel a little bit discouraged. I am sad for her – and for me as we have to go back to cocooning some more. Not super hard-core, but no visitors or outings to places she isn’t familiar with until she settles down again. I’m too tired to think straight anyway, so limiting visitors probably isn’t a bad idea in general.

I know that I can be really hard on myself – often mentioning on this blog that I feel I fail with her so often. So these past few days I have been trying to focus on what I do right with her. And I’m noticing that it is easier to do more things well if I am not always beating myself up for when I react in ways I wish I hadn’t.

So here’s my little list of “well done’s”
~ I noticed that she was drawing away from me at the start of this regression. So I pulled her onto my lap on the rocking chair. She was SO MAD at me for doing this. She didn’t want to be close to me. So I sent Amara to her room with a movie to watch, and Kylar off to his room to do whatever. I put on some kids music that I know she loves, brought her a favourite snack, and sat down with her on the rocking chair to take out the hairstyle she had in that desperately needed to come out. It didn’t take long and we were singing together, she relaxed against me as I gently took out her hair – and we cuddled this way for about an hour. She was a different kid afterwards!
~ Always when I am at my busiest (trying to get dinner finished, table cleared and set…) she wants me to pick her up and hold her. Often I ask her to go play with Amara, but I have been trying to pick her up, show her what is cooking, give a kiss and hug then send her on her way. It’s such a little thing that takes 30 seconds, but she is much happier.
~ I found the best tickle spot on her neck… and I use it frequently.
~ using my friendly voice more often

I guess the path for me is also two steps forward, one step back. But I am learning to recognize and acknowledge that I DO make steps forward, instead of just focusing on my backwards steps.

Tonight, after a long, hard day – she was the most affectionate and loving I have seen her in a long time – if ever! She held my hand during dinner, kissing it and hugging it. She asked me for kisses and said “Thank you for kisses, Mommy!” then happily gave me lots of kisses without me even asking.

So while I feel tired and somewhat discouraged at the thought of semi-cocooning again, I am so, SO grateful for these glimpses of a little girl who is struggling through some hard things right now, but still knows she is loved.