Category Archives: parenting

Tidbits

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I have a few posts in the works, but haven’t had the energy to finish them, so this is my quick update post (because I’m supposed to be cleaning the house before guests come over.  I know, right?!!! We are having guests!).

I’m almost afraid to write this for fear of jinxing it… but Giselle has slept through the night for  7 nights in a row!! The big change is that she sometimes wakes up a bit, but lets me give her a pat and she goes back to sleep – instead of doing that lovely crying/whiny thing for 2-4 hours. Now that I am starting to get a clearer, less sleep deprived foggy/depressive picture of life, I can see why it was such hard, hard time the past few months. I was trying to survive off of about 3-4 hours of sleep per night for over 2 months with 2 children who were having a very hard time adjusting. No human can do that well. I went to a new acupuncturist on Saturday for my back. She didn’t even get to dealing with my back because she said there was too much tension in my body. She felt my back for about 10 seconds and simply said “You need 2 weeks off”. Yeah well, that isn’t going to happen any time soon, but somehow it felt good just to have her say that. Along with getting more sleep, I am feeling more tired. I guess just my body’s way of catching up.

Last week we went to church (I have so missed you, church family!), my brother and his family came for dinner, we went out with friends for dinner – ack! Life is starting to look more normal! It feels amazing. We are still keeping things fairly quiet (but that is easy to do with the huge dumps of snow and crappy roads we are having), but I am feeling a bit more freedom to schedule people back into our lives. This is also a big boost for my emotional health.

I started a facebook group shortly after Giselle arrived home. It is for people who are just about to bring their children home from Haiti, or already have their children home. It has turned out to be an amazing group – from people who have had their children home for 15 years, to leaving next week to bring home a new family. It has also been a huge support and comfort to me. It has become a safe place to share things with others who “get it”. If you are reading this and have your child home from Haiti, or are at visa stage – email me for the link so I can add you. nausfamily @ yahoo.com (no spaces)

I feel like I am on this incredibly steep learning curve about how I deal with stress, being thankful, realizing how I really am not God and therefore shouldn’t try to control everything and everyone around me, how my fear brings out anger… I can’t really process it all well because there is just so much. I am trying to put it into words here in other posts, but it is taking time because I am so in the thick of it. So, SO incredibly grateful for a God who is always enough. For grace. For grace and more grace. Hopefully I can put it into words soon, but how do you put into words the wonders of a God who’s love is so beyond comprehension? Just basking in that.

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope; The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; the are new every morning; great is Thy faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion” says my soul “Therefore I will hope in Him”.
Lamentations 3:21-24 RSV 

 

 

 

3 Months Home

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Gained 4 lbs
Grown almost 2 inches! 

Today marks the 3 month anniversary of Giselle’s arrival into our family. I am happy, and so – SO relieved to say that “everyone” was right. 3 months has been a big milestone in feeling like we have reached somewhat of a new normal for our family.

Even though Giselle doesn’t look too happy about us being “Finally Together”, I think she secretly is….

The first month or two after her arrival feel like a blur. It’s probably better that way. I was reading through my journal recently and while I don’t write often, I have tried to be very honest in what I do write because I need to be able to look back and see that she has (hopefully) grown and changed.

Sept 17, 2012 (starting week 6 of cocooning)
Slowly we are adding some things to our days, but our days still feel very long and lonely. I am so tired of feeling like a failure at this. Today I had serious PMS – along with weeks without decent sleep -along with Giselle being so cranky from weeks without decent sleep… It’s a bad, bad combination.
We have good moments. We even have some good hours. But often this is what the day often looks like;
~ Giselle wakes up grumpy because she has been awake fussing from 11:00pm-4:00am. ~She is mad when Amara strokes her cheek at the breakfast table, and hits/spits/bites Amara.
~She is mad when Amara touches her chair at the table, and SCREAMS
~ She is mad because Amara is playing with a toy she had an hour ago. And SCREAMS!
~ Screams when Amara wants to sit and play with her. Screams when she is hurt, or when the hurt simply could possibly have happened.
~Amara freaks out when Giselle has a toy she has never played with but now she suddenly wants. Amara isn’t obeying at all (yelling “NO!” to me at every thing I ask/tell her to do something)… and she certainly isn’t innocent in all the reasons Giselle is screaming.
~Amara is having rages 1-2 times per day. They stress me out more than anything. The blank, glassy look in her eyes at the end of one breaks my heart. I hold her and weep. I want my happy, love-song singing girl back!
Honestly… while I think Giselle is cute, and I’m so glad she is home… and while there are moments where I do really feel affection for her, I often feel as though I don’t like her. And yet at times she can be very sweet, funny and so, so cute.  Can you say GUILT?

We have seen this sad face so much in the past few months… but it is becoming more rare – Yay!! Thankfully this time she was crying because the photographer picked her up and she was NOT impressed. That’s a good sign she knows who her family is and isn’t willing to go with just anyone!

Today:
~ Giselle and Amara woke at the same time, and crawled into my bed for morning snuggles. Amazing – there was no fighting over who could be the closest to Mommy!
~ Giselle ate her breakfast well. That is usually a good sign…
~ The girls played in their room off and on, running into the kitchen with their baby dolls in the strollers. Sitting on the stools talking on their “phones”.
~Managed to gather Giselle’s stool sample for our third round of testing for parasites (I’m sure she still has them).
~ Lunch, then off to naps. (YAY!)
~ Amara wakes up first and watches her movie.
~Giselle wakes up and starts watching the show but isn’t really interested so she sits on my lap and reads books with me.
~ After the movie, they have a snack and run off to play. Amara puts on a music CD in her room and they dance/play with their polly p*ocket toys. I can watch them play from a video camera in Amara’s room – they do so well! I make supper.
~ At dinner, Giselle refuses to feed herself. It isn’t that she doesn’t like the food, she just doesn’t want to feed herself. So it becomes a power struggle as this is becoming way to frequent. She ends up sitting at the table for an hour, then off to bed. She is very restless in her sleep tonight, so I can tell it will be another long, long night.
All in all – I think Giselle had one time out. That must be a record!!
I  know beyond a shadow of a doubt, my mindset is a thousand times better right now because I have had 5 nights of good sleep. One of those nights I actually managed to sleep completely through the night! It has made a huge difference in how much I am able to handle, how much I can give affection even when I don’t necessarily feel like it at the moment. I like my little girl right now. Of course I love her – there has never been a question of that. But sometimes like and love can be worlds apart… and right now I am rejoicing that they are closer than they have ever been.
The most amazing thing is seeing little signs that Giselle is still bonding and attaching to me even though we have had such a rough start together. Lately I keep thinking about one of the signs of attachment – when a child runs to you and shows you a toy they have found/are playing with. I couldn’t remember her really doing that. Today she brought me toys to see at least 3-4 different times. It’s these little things that we completely take for granted with our biological children – but they are cues that they child is attached and feels loved. Somehow, in all of my own sleep-deprived, stress induced temper tantrums, this little girl has still allowed her heart to open up to me. To show me affection, to trust me with her love.

Recently I wondered silently to myself when she would come and tell me she loved me on her own accord – without it being in response to me saying it to her. Literally 2 minutes later, she came running to me for a hug. I knelt down and gave her a big squeeze and she quickly said “Love ya, Mommy!” and ran off. It was God’s gift to me. Letting me know that He is still the one in control in the midst of this slowly calming storm.
It’s not only Giselle who has improved. Amara is a completely different kid than she was in the weeks after Giselle’s arrival. She is back to being… herself. She sings love songs to us. She dances. She makes us laugh. The biggest change I see in her is because of Giselle. I see her sitting and playing with her toys. I can honestly say that Amara’s room was rarely a mess before Giselle came as she didn’t really play with her toys. Now, her room is a disaster from all the stuff they have been playing with – and I am so happy! Amara used to just get into things she shouldn’t.  I felt like I was running after her all day and couldn’t take my eyes off of her at all. Now she is normally playing something with Giselle or they are sitting and reading books together. She will play with play-dough for long stretches. She will play pretend MUCH more than before. And she is starting to take her big sister role more seriously. To watch out for Giselle and be her protector. I am delighting in the growth I see in her. I love watching her just seem more settled and happy as she has a play mate with her all the time now. Giselle is generally happy to follow her around and play what she wants to play, so their personalities are a great match that way as Amara likes to take charge. Yes, they still fight over toys. Yes, some days I can’t take my eyes off of them for a second or someone is screaming, but those days are more rare.
Not that long ago I seriously wondered if our family would every recover. Amara especially. Now I see it confirmed when I knew God told me Amara would need a sister. And obviously Giselle needed one too. Kylar is just a great stabilizer. He loves to rough house with Giselle, and make little games to play with her. She is generally more willing to listen to him and co-operate than Amara is, so they have a lot of fun together (and Amara is learning to co-operate with Kylar more if she wants in on the fun).
Giselle adores him. She often goes to him first when she has had some little thing that hurt her, and he always directs her to go to me for comfort (the big owies are automatically mine). He loves being the big brother, and playing the role of protector and can’t wait for the day he has a reason to stick up for them for some reason. I have always said he has the heart of a knight, and having little sisters really brings that out in him.

*photographs taken by Julie at www.papercastle.ca  She is passionate about adoption, so all her adoptive families get a 10% discount. Thank – you Julie!

Giselle – In Our Arms for 10 Weeks

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Giselle in Haiti – July 2012

Giselle in Canada, Thanksgiving October 7th, 2012

A fellow adoptive mom recently posted that she isn’t writing on her blog because ever since her daughter came home, it feels like everything is changing so fast that she can’t keep up. That is so true here too! So many times in a day I think “I need to write about this, or that” and then once the peace of evening falls on our house, I forget it all. This post is super long. A huge no-no in blog world, right?  I get my blog printed into books as a permanent record for our family, so I will write everything I can think of now as a record for us. Please don’t feel obligated to read it all.

All in all, I can say that Giselle has made HUGE strides in the past 2 weeks. Her confidence is blooming. Her funny, silly self is peeking through. Her love for her Daddy? EXPLODING! It’s a wonder to watch. I am going to write in bullet points (another blogging no-no) because I just need to record some of the things she is doing/saying – before they disappear in the wind.

~ She calls Amara “Amara’s” – probably because we so often tell her “That’s Amara’s toy/Amara’s turn”.

~ She has such a sing-song way of talking. There is a definite rhythm to her words. I wish I could record that here.  I love hearing her talk.

~ Let me put her sleep into perspective. When she first came home, I stayed in the room with her from the time I started to put her to bed (7:30) until she woke up in the morning. I would sit on the bed and work on the computer, but didn’t want to leave her side in case she woke up. She slept SO restless – constantly moving and shifting… upside down and back up. Crying a LOT in her sleep, often waking up. Almost every night, awake from 12:30am – 4:30am. And back up at 7:00. NOW… We put her to bed in her bed, say goodnight and leave the room. Lately she hasn’t even fussed about us leaving. She is sometimes (not often enough though) sleeping through the night – and her head generally stays on the pillow which means she is having a much more restful, deep sleep. When she does sleep well – 12 hours per night, 2-2.5 hour naps! I can’t even begin to express how this has made our whole family a much happier, more peaceful place as everyone is more rested and the other kids get more mommy time.

~ Her sweet, melodic “I love ya!” and “See ya later!”. I love it when she says “Come here, Amara!”, and when she comes up to me out of the blue and says “How come?”. This makes me laugh – how do you respond to that when it isn’t even a question in conversation but used as a conversation starter? I have started to say “Because mommy loves you!” and she seems happy with that. I often hear her walking around saying “Happy, happy, happy”. I’m not sure if she understands the meaning of the word – but it makes this mother’s heart glad to hear it.

She loves helping me by putting the dirty cutlery into the dishwasher.

~ Food. Of course if anything is going to be a control battle, food will be because how do you force someone to eat/swallow their food? I will be open here – and many of you might disagree with my tactics, but it has worked for us. Often Giselle would eat something very willingly one day (i.e. soup), but when presented with exactly the same thing a day or two later, wouldn’t even touch it. This was after being home for about 6 weeks, so it wasn’t that everything tasted that unfamiliar. I finally did what I did with Kylar when he would do the same thing as an early toddler. I would take her cheeks in one hand, and spoon the food into her mouth with the other. She would be upset for a moment… but then would usually happily eat the rest of the meal. Now if she refuses to even taste something on her own, I offer her one spoonful and it isn’t an issue to get her to open up. She usually loves what we are eating and will clean her plate. If after one or two bites I can tell she just really doesn’t like it, I will give her rice and beans or something similar. On the other hand, if she isn’t in the mood for something, she will also chew and chew and chew – for up to 15 min on one bite! This is frustrating, but not impossible to deal with. Sometimes I set the timer and whatever she hasn’t eaten when the timer goes, she has to leave until the next meal time (we feed her every two hours so she certainly isn’t starving). Again, I make sure this is only for things I know she has eaten and liked in the past. She is (usually) eating a few bites of raw carrot, cucumber, peppers and lettuce. This is HUGE as most of her diet in Haiti would have been very soft and thoroughly cooked. She also eats hamburger, steak, chicken and sausage. It has taken her some time to get used to the texture of meat, and to be able to swallow it, but she usually does fine now.

~ I always had a feeling that Giselle would be Daddy’s girl. Both Kylar and Amara were more mommy’s kids, so it really was my hope and prayer that Giselle would have a special bond with Darren early in her life that our other kids didn’t develop with him until they were older. I really think this is coming true! She is so happy when he is around on the weekends. She follows him around, wants to be picked up and carried by him… she really loves her Daddy. She still prefers me for bedtime and when she is really upset she comes to me which helps me not to feel totally left out ;)

~While she is strong willed, she bends fairly easily. Placing her in her “time in” spot (she is on my chef’s mat in the kitchen by my feet – never left alone in another room as a punishment) is very upsetting for her. She will wail for about 20 seconds and then say “Oui Momma” with big nods of her head. She will give hugs, say sorry, give and receive kisses and be on her way. But of course she still has to test the limits multiple times per day. She is a 2 year old after all! The hard thing with discipline is the sneaky little things she does. Things that might mean nothing to us, but I have learned she means them as disrespect. Like tapping her teeth together at me. A quick little spit in our general direction. Or biting her tongue – pointed at Darren. I have found that if I let these little things go – she escalates into hitting or biting in a very short period of time. It might seem to someone just watching that I am being very strict with her, but I have learned what she means by them.

~ When she first arrived home – every answer to our questions would be “NO”. She would even nod her head and say “no”. Now, she says “Oui” or lately “Yup!” to almost everything. Both ways can be frustrating as I don’t really know what she wants. “Giselle, do you want more food?” “Oui!” so I bring her another serving and she cries because she was done. Slowly these things are working themselves out as she acquires more language – and is figuring out her own body. In Haiti she was fed and given drinks when it was time. Now I am asking her if she is hungry/ thirsty. This has been a real learning curve for her as I believe she didn’t really  pay attention to her body’s signs before.

~ It’s so fun to watch her dance. She is very shy about it – quite self-concious actually. But when she forgets herself and lets go – it’s so cute! We say she has “old lady moves” because she does! But then she can also have some really good moves when she allows herself to be free. Sometimes she comes up to us, giggling like crazy and does a silly dance for us, then runs away. I love hearing her laugh!

~ Giselle and Amara – their relationship is blossoming! When Giselle first came home, she would freak out if Amara came close to her or me. If Amara kissed her, she would scream as if Amara had taken a bite out of her cheek… now Amara is happily greeted in the morning. She makes sure Amara has a good night hug and kiss before bedtime. And they go outside to play, or have long tea parties together. Of course somedays it seems a large portion of their “play” still involves squabbling, taking toys away, not sharing… but it is all so much more “normal”! So amazing to see Amara blossom into a big sister, and to see Giselle copy everything Amara says and does (which isn’t always a good thing!). They have dance parties together in Amara’s room. Amara dresses Giselle in dress up clothes… they walk around together in their dress up heeled shoes… I love it!

Casual tea time with Amara

~ Kylar is so good with Giselle and she generally just adores him. He loves to chase her around the house, swing her around, carry her piggy-back… She does walk into his room without permission and destroys his Lego creations (accidentally) in short order which drives him crazy, but other than that, they click really well.

~ And me? I confess I sometimes forget where Giselle has come from and how much she has gone through in the past few months. It just feels like she has always been here. Yes there are days I wonder how I can handle 3 children well. There are still some days when I feel like I am babysitting and days when I get tired of feeling like a “bad mom” because I worry about how many times I mess up with her. But mostly she is just here. Ours. I almost forget how terrible the long, long wait was. Almost. And then something will happen that reminds me, and it all comes crashing back in a hurry. It really is a traumatic and stressful experience to go through. For those of you still in the middle of the wait – don’t underestimate how hard the process (wait) is on you (your body, emotions, spiritually) and on your family. I felt like it took over my life and thoughts, so much of my time and attention. I’m noticing that my parenting sucks right now. Partly because I haven’t been reading and educating myself like I usually do. There are so many things to catch up on, but now my mind feels more free to be able to do that. And maybe when I actually get about a week of good nights of sleep, I’ll actually be able to process what I’m reading!

We are so thankful you are home Giselle. So glad that God chose us to be your parents. I hope we learn from you what God intends for us to learn, and that you always know how dearly loved you are.

 

 

 

 

Week 4 (The Honeymoon is Over)

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I could think of a lot of titles for this past week of cocooning. “In Which I do Everything I Hoped I Wouldn’t Do”, or “When Loosing it Seems Like A Really Good Option…Oh Wait, I Did That”.

This morning the girls squabbled over every little toy. Amara had a really good, long rage. She fought me on every.single.thing. Finally I had enough. I packed up the kids to go to the local store. This is the first time Giselle has been in a shopping store since we were in Haiti – and the few times we went in Haiti were probably the first times in her life. So this is VERY new for her.

The problem is, at home we have one doll stroller and one doll shopping cart. This simply can’t be! I was SO tired of mediating the who gets what when, that I just had to go buy another stroller. I found a little one for Giselle, brought it home (she did great with the shopping BTW – she’s born for it! lol). And they fought because of course the strollers didn’t match. So, I drove the 3 minutes back to the store and bought two matching little strollers. It was the best 50.00 I have spent in a long, long time! There was PEACE, blessed peace as they walked all over the house, out the backyard, and back in the house with their dolls in the strollers. Of course they will find other things to fight about, but for now – ‘not taking Giselle shopping until after 6 weeks of cocooning’ was the best rule I ever broke.

As for the honeymoon? Timelines typically state that a child will “honeymoon” for the first 4-6 weeks home. You know; they will actually listen to you. They might think you are wonderful. And then not so much. Darren and I were shocked when she first came home because we would say “Giselle, vini isi!” (Giselle, come!) and she would COME! So strange. I have NEVER had a 2 year old who actually came when told on a regular basis. So, now she is more of a normal toddler. She pretends she doesn’t hear me when I say “don’t touch, come here, don’t hit, be gentle…” those types of things. And so this is where I Do Everything I Hoped I Wouldn’t Do. Well, maybe everything is too strong a word. But, when a toddler (a)ignores me, then (b) gives me a defiant look when the command is reiterated, then (c) spits at me… all that nice attachment talk goes flying right out my head. And this is when she becomes simply my daughter and my kids do not get away with that. BUT, how to parent that? Not sure. I’m probably doing it all wrong, but she sits in a time out (“time in” for you adoption experts) spot in my kitchen right by my feet. She might even get a little flick on the mouth for spitting. The great thing is though, her heart is still soft. When she sits there and she knows she is in trouble, she will say through those big, huge tears on those amazing eyes with eyelashes that curl all the way up to heaven; “Momma, please?” and I will melt and say “You mean ‘sorry’?” “Oui, Momma, sorry.” And she heaves a big sigh of relief as I pick her up and say “I forgive you” and “I love you” and her favourite… “Giselle is a good girl. Bon file Giselle” Her face beams, she gives great hugs and is off to play with Amara.

While I can see her will shining through, and while it can drive me to distraction, it is such a great sign!! She feels safe enough to explore the boundaries and push them. Healthy kids do that. Safe kids do that. She accepts that correction isn’t the end of my love for her. She is learning to forgive when we make mistakes with her as well. Giving Amara a hug after an altercation is really hard for her, but we make her follow through… and she does.

Food is another area she is digging her heals in. She has never before had such variety in her diet, so picking her favourites and wanting only those is where she is at now. She would eat yogurt, cheese and drink milk all day long if I let her. Not quite sure where to go with this one. For now, she can refuse dinner, I can refuse her dessert… but she knows a bottle is coming at bed time. We had a long, hard battle about it yesterday but I’m not willing to make this an ongoing huge issue right now. So… I guess we will take each meal as it comes and feel it out.

On the up side, Giselle gave Amara hugs today – a bunch of them without being asked to! She still loves her Ky-la-la, and Kylar is happy with the adoration since it’s mutual. She is definitely Mommy’s helper. If she could follow me all day and help me tidy up, and help me with whatever I’m doing, she would be happy. I’m liking that! She is very tidy and particular. Her doll needs to sit in the stroller just right. She cleans up toys after herself quite often. She LOVES the clean up song – I’ll ride that for as long as it lasts. I was showing her the wonders of the vacuum yesterday. I’m thinking a hand vac might just become her favourite toy, and I’m really ok with that. Darren has also successfully put her to bed a few times! Not without some tears, but hopefully it gets easier for her.

As for the “Loosing It” title. I do that. A few days ago I was really, really upset that my plans to tidy the house during the girls’ nap didn’t work out because Giselle woke up 30 minutes early and refused to go back to sleep even though she normally does… it just threw me. I can’t stand chaos, and the house was way past the state of chaos. So, instead of just thinking of something for her to do – as she really doesn’t mind sitting in a chair with something to work on quietly at the table… I was really, really frustrated. I ended up putting her in her booster seat with some books and it would have been fine – had I not done it in anger. Poor girl. Learning to have grace for myself as well, but really, really wishing I didn’t have to. Just wish I could do it well. I sat down afterwards, looked her in the eye and hoped with all my heart she truly understood when I said “Mommy sorry.” She nodded her head and happily accepted my hug. Thankful that Dr Purvis often says that healing in the brain can occur faster if, when you make a mistake you make it right… even faster than if you never made mistakes to begin with. Isn’t grace amazing?

Giselle feels like part of the family. More and more, she truly feels like my daughter, and not just a child I am caring for. It takes time I know this, but I wish it didn’t. I wish I could tell you that it is all rainbows and ice cream sweet. That bonding happened the moment she was in our arms. A type of bonding was there. But now it is a knowing bonding. Knowing how she sleeps. What she does when she is nervous. What she likes to eat, her favourite books. How she hugs so tight around my neck. And how she whines to try and get her way. Her beauty, her tears, her small little voice when she tells me a “story”. An amazing, beautiful little girl that God chose for our family.

Each Precious Moment (Even In the Ka-Ka and the Vomit)

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Precious Moment… watching my girls bond and enjoy each others as sisters

Oswald Chambers “My Utmost for His Highest” July 28

“We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God’s purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.

What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish— His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see “Him walking on the sea” with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see “Him walking on the sea” (Mark 6:49). It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.

God’s training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself.

God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.”

I remember reading this passage last year. It was while we were waiting for our dispensation from the Haitian President (where we would be approved to adopt from Haiti). It was a really hard time of waiting as there were no timelines to fall back on with some idea of how long it would take for our file to pass. “We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success…” I remember that hitting me hard – the knowing that just because I felt we were being obedient to God in adopting again, didn’t mean “success” on our terms.

A few of these kinds of moments…

This year I came across this reading again – only a few days before leaving to pick up Giselle… and it all hit me hard all over again. God is not working toward a particular finish— His purpose is the process itself. This is something I am having to remind myself of over and over each day. I like goals. I spent over a year training myself on attachment, and healthy transitions for adopted children. A year trying to plan a strategy that would give Giselle the best chance at healing and bonding to her new family. That is my goal. That she would be healthy – able to give and receive love. Able to feel secure, happy and grow up feeling that she was part of something good in our family.

But now I’m in the process and I often find myself just trying to survive for the next 5 minutes… the next hour…. the next few hours until Darren comes home… and I feel frustrated with myself because I have all these plans and desires for how I want to love on each of my children. But there is only me. And I am tired, feeling depleted and the needs of each of my children feel so large. It is more than I can do or give to make them all happy and fulfilled right now.

I’m so thankful God brought this my way before we started this leg of the journey. So often, I hear Him remind me of this, “God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.”

I’m praying that I can pay attention in the present time – whatever that time might bring. That I can’t be looking at the end goal so much right now (although of course it is a beacon keeping me on course), but that THIS moment will either bring me to the end goal or lead me away from it. How I deal with this tantrum, this need, this hug, this precious little person in all their mess… This moment is precious.

That being said, I have to share one “precious” moment I had today with my girls. Giselle told me she needed to “ka-ka” (poo), so I put her on the toilet and she went! Amara had just been eating lunch, she came in because she has to be part of every diaper change/bathroom experience. She gagged on the smell and threw up while I was trying to finish with Giselle. It’s hard to see the precious in every moment. I often remember this after the moment has passed, but I can be guaranteed there will be another one just around the corner!

Waiting for the rest of the family to return from church.

* I’m sorry if you are finding my posts a bit too vague in the details right now. I so much want to write about all the great and the not-so-great things going on, but I am so tired… Please be praying for Amara especially this week. She is struggling so much. She is the work of at least 2 children right now, and it is draining me of my energy and patience. I feel for her, but still need her to follow rules… dealing with her is taking a lot of the time I need with Giselle… yet she needs me just as much. Pray for her sweet little heart to feel secure… that she will start to sleep better… that she will trust in my love for her. I know Giselle’s adoption is bringing up lots of hard feelings about her own adoption, yet she is really too young to be able to verbalize or process well. We need so much wisdom.  Thank you, friends.*

Quickie Updates

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These are my facebook status updates for the past few days – for those of you who aren’t on my fb it will give you a quick recap of how things are going. I am hoping to write and post photos in more detail later, but we’ll see how life looks after we are home. Thank you so much for all your support and prayers for us.

August 2
First night together is done. Giselle and I didn’t get a lot of sleep, but at least we were together. I love knowing how her night went (even if it wasn’t easy), what she has eaten…etc. Just makes it easier to know what her needs are.She is very sad most of the time. A mourning kind of crying that just breaks our hearts. Once in awhile we get some smiles and a little bit of babble… that is precious and gives us a little glimpse of what she is capable of.

If you are praying… please pray she will feel better. She has a bad cough, hasn’t eaten much at all and only had 2 tiny wet diapers in the last 24 hours. It is sad that she isn’t feeling well on top of all her transition, but OH!! I am so thankful to be able to mother her through an illness instead of being half a world away just hoping she will be ok. And having her extra cuddly isn’t hurting either.
Today will be our last visit to the orphanage. Giselle’s last goodbye to her friends and caretakers for the last 2 years of her life. Tomorrow we head to Jacmel. I feel badly taking her away from her home so soon, but also know that it will be good for us 3 to get away and be a family of 3 for a few days before the chaos of being home.
Thank you for your comments, prayers and love for us. We love sharing this journey with you!

Aug 3
Thank you so much for all your comments and prayers! Today went much better. We did a few quick visits to the orphanage, which was good. We weren’t there too long… but just going back helped her know that not everything in her life has disappeared.

So wonderful to see the Nannies hug her, hold her, kiss her goodbye. I can see they are happy for her, but sad to see her go. ♥ What a blessing!
Tonight one nannie finally managed to get Giselle to eat as she simply wouldn’t eat for me. What a difference that made in her attitude! She laughed, talked, cuddled, smiled and played all evening… it was magical. She even let me feed her some more food later in the evening.
She is sleeping soundly now… her cough is still there, but getting better… hoping for a good night’s rest as we both really need it!
Tomorrow, we say our final goodbye’s to the orphanage friends and nannies and leave for Jacmel. It will be bittersweet, but I feel better about going today than I did yesterday. It will be very hard for her, but I know she will be ok. Thankfully she wants me to hold her, cuddle her, feed her… it’s wonderful for bonding and attachment. Exactly what the Dr. ordered ;)

To Giselle on Her 2nd Birthday

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Hey there, my beautiful little girl.

You are turning two years old today. I wonder if anyone will remember to say Happy Birthday to you? Of course you don’t know what it means, but it seems just a bit sad that the miraculous day you were born might not be celebrated there today.

Today you have two mothers thinking about your day. One mother birthed you in her earthen floor hut. She will remember the pain, perhaps the fear. She will remember breastfeeding you for the first time. Your tiny little hands and feet – all 10 perfect fingers and toes. She will probably remember how you cried and gave her sleepless nights. While I envy her those early memories, I am so glad she has them. That she has a piece of you that no one else in the entire world will ever have. They are her treasures.

This mother has a few short visits to remember you by. How amazed Rachel was that you let me hold you so long the very first time I saw you. How you stuck to me like glue – absorbing every ounce of love I was humanly able to pour into you – and hopefully a whole lot of Jesus – love as well. How on other visits, you would confuse me, delight me, inspire me to think that I really could be a mother worthy of such a precious little bundle.

While I am sad to miss your birthday. While I am grieving not being able to spend it with you here, in our home – with your family… I am also excited. Because I really, really hope and think that you will be home in your second year of life. And now that you are 2, we are just that much closer to having you here!

We all love you so much, and are so looking forward to the journey of really knowing you. To discover the real Giselle. The one we will meet when you are confident and know you are wholly loved by us all.

Happy Birthday Giselle! Hopefully your second year of life will be your best year yet, and the beginnings of many wonderful years to come. May Jesus fill you with His love, may you sense His passion for you, and know you are worthy of such great love. May you know that you were meant for more than life in an orphanage, and that it will only be confirmed when you are finally in our arms for good.

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Dear Kylar,

Every year come May, I dread your birthday. I dread you getting one year older and that much closer to being all grown up. To not needing your mom anymore. Every year I threaten to punish you if you do have a birthday, but you never listen.
And every year I seem to enjoy you more than the last (well, maybe except your third year – but we won’t talk about that  ;).
You started out saying that you hated “the 10s” – your tenth year of life. You felt like you were more sensitive, more prone to say things without thinking, and causing some distress in our relationship. I told you that you always go through these seasons where things are a bit tougher, but now you are just old enough to notice it. And then soon, you passed “the stage”, and were back to your usual, amazing self.
Right now. Right this moment in your life… Every day I wish I could trap you here. At this age. Where you are still kind and silly enough to play with your 3 year old sister. Where you tell me that, every day you long for Giselle to come home. Where you are actually a real help to me – in cooking, cleaning and many other things. And (not always, but often) a willing helper. Where I just really enjoy your company.
Where you still really love your mom and dad and live under this false illusion that we are the best parents out there. Where you don’t mind going out in public with your mom – to actually be seen with me!
I wish I could freeze frame today. Walking in the mall with you, laughing about how we just went along and pretended you attend school when the nosy clerk asked you lots of school questions (and I said you were lucky you said you liked your teacher!). And somehow, by some strange magic – we were holding hands.
We actually walked in the mall holding hands for at least 30 seconds. And I felt like my heart was breaking and rejoicing all at the same time. I suddenly remembered holding your hand as a toddler – crossing the street, and in stores. You were usually a willing hand-holder. I remembered you still holding my hand in stores at 8 years old – and I thought that was amazing, but that it would likely never happen again.
Today was very well a last. Soon you will be WAY to aware of the people walking around in the mall wondering at a boy who would dare hold his mother’s hand. But I suspect that today I was the envy of many a mother-to-a-boy. And think they must have guessed at a secret I already know.
That you are a most amazing 10 year old boy.

Photos by Julie at Papercastle Collective… more lovely photos to come!

Date Night

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With my most favorite young man.

My friend owns a dance studio and recently donated 2 tickets to us so that we could come see their performance of Aladdin. Kylar and I had such a great time! The show was fantastic – but the company even better. I love having one on one time with Kylar. He is a very interesting conversationalist and keeps me laughing.

You are such a gift, Kylar! Thanks for the fantastic date night.

A New Look At Chores

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I’ve always struggled with the chores coupled with money debate. As far as I understand, these are the two main arguments:

1. Children do chores because they are part of the family. Mom and Dad don’t get paid to maintain the home, and neither should children. Allowance is not based on completing chores, it’s just something you get because you are part of the family (or, there is no allowance at all and mom and dad just pay for everything).
2. Getting paid for chores is a good motivator, and helps teach that hard work equals getting paid. You slack, you don’t get paid. Can also help teach money skills. But some people feel that paying a child for every little thing they do just sets them up for greed and a different kind of laziness – not being willing to work (or serve) unless there is some kind of reward.
I think my leaning has often been toward #1. I can’t stand the thought of raising a child who feels they can’t do any kind of work around the house – or donate their time in service, because they are used to getting paid for every. little.thing. So, the standard rule in our home has been that Kylar gets a weekly allowance – just because. And we really don’t buy him any toys unless it is for a birthday or for Christmas. He saves up his little 5.00 per week until he has the money he needs for what he wants. The problem is – I’m not good at actually having the money on hand to pay him every week. And I want to teach him to tithe and save – but then I need change every week, and really, that isn’t going to happen in this lifetime.
His “reward” for doing his chores is video game time. Which is restricted to 1/2 hour per day (I know – mean, right? He turns into a bear if we give him more than that). His chores include: unpacking the dishwasher whenever necessary, feeding the dog, dog poop duty, tidying his room once in awhile (read: when mom has had enough of the pig sty that she blows a fuse!), and doing his own laundry (wash, dry, fold and put away), piano practice and occasionally vacuuming the rug.
The problem I run into with this model is that he is constantly asking me if he can have his game time, and then I end up running through the list with him. Did you do your piano, and theory? Did you spend some time reading first? What does your room look like? Grrrr….
So, we have a new plan of attack. I came across this website called My Job Chart. The website allows you to assign chores, what time of day they must be done, and a point system for each one. Then, you can allow them to either pick a “family reward” such as going out for ice cream, or having a family game night… or they can pick items they want to save for on Amazon. There is also a spot where you can allocate points for saving, and for giving… no change required!
I set it all up for Kylar tonight, and so far (all 4 hours of it), he is super motivated. Somehow it seems so much more “grown up” to log into your own user on the computer to check off your chores, than to post stickers on a chart. And he can automatically see how many points he has earned. Today Darren had an extra job for him to do, and we added it on the chart (yay! no needing to remember to pay him the 5.00 for the extra job).
All that to say… we’ll see how he does with getting points for every little thing. For now, he gets points for brushing his teeth because he will never remember to do that in the morning. This way I’m not nagging, and hopefully it’ll become a habit and I can take it off the chore chart and implement something else.
Here’s another funny thing – he thought it was great that he gets points for reading. We decided to allocate a time requirement for reading and I put the ball in his court – how long do you think you should spend reading? He said 30 minutes a day (yes!), but then he bartered a higher point allowance for such a long reading commitment. Up from 10 points to 15.
I wonder when he’ll figure out I’m “paying” him an equivalent to .15 to read for half an hour?
I think Kylar is old enough to know that it is important for us all to do things to serve others just because. Hopefully he sees his parents do this often enough that it will come somewhat naturally to him. If not – then we’ll have to take another look at this system.
What is your opinion on chores with/without money?
PS – there is a spot to assign points to a child remembering to pray and read the Bible every day. Is it just me or is that just wrong???