Which Kind of Guilt?

Posted on May 21, 2013 by Denise

I have to admit I didn’t want to attend church last Sunday. If Darren hadn’t been so determined, I would have found 100 excuses not to go. I told myself it was because I was just tired, and I needed Sunday to be a real day of rest.

But God called my bluff 2 minutes into the service, and kept them coming through the whole morning. Our worship leader talked about how God wanted our worship time to simply be about giving and receiving God’s love. And my heart was refusing, with walls up a mile high. Why? Because I have been so easily frustrated with my girls lately, and I wanted to beat myself up for it a bit longer. If I opened my heart to receive God’s love, I would have to forgive myself and accept His forgiveness. And I didn’t want to.

The worship leader talked about how her little girl came up during worship practice and for no reason simply said “I love you Mommy!” and then ran off, and how deeply it touched her as an example of how our spontaneous love touches God’s heart. I was still refusing. Still stewing in my own muck.

Amara had started feeling sick on the drive to church (another reason not to go, I argued), so she was cuddled on my lap instead of in children’s church. Suddenly she reached up and whispered in my ear, “Mommy, I love you so much. Even when you get frustrated, I love you. You are the best mommy in the WHOLE world. And I love you even when you have owies on your face.” (owies are the zits my face produced – mistakenly thinking I am 14, not almost 40). And just as suddenly Jesus whispered in my other ear “If this little girl, who’s feelings you hurt this morning – if she can forgive and still love you… why do you think so little of my love? Why would you block out my love and forgiveness and refuse me?”

And my heart broke. My walls came down. Even though I knew the walls were hurting me and those around me, I still wanted to keep them there. I envisioned my children doing the same to me. If they had made a mistake – even a really big mistake… if they put those walls up and refused me to forgive them, how it would hurt me! And ultimately mostly hurt themselves.

God brought to mind another church service, months earlier; so I scrolled through the notes on my phone and found them, each point jumping out at me.

They read like this:
~Guilt really attaches us to the past
~Guilt is the biggest barrier to Christian growth
~True sorrow leads to life, worldly sorrow leads to spiritual death

2 Corinthians 7:10 (NLT) For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.

~Godly guilt leads us to God
~There should be no regret for the past because that isn’t me. I am free!
~Worldly sorrow has much to do with pride
~It attacks who you are
~We must let go of how we want people to think of us and embrace who we are in God
~Guilt chokes the life out of you instead of drawing you closer to God
~Sort through your guilt. Trash the worldly guilt and embrace Godly sorrow
~Sorrow is a miracle. Don’t shy away from it or hide from it. Examine it and embrace Godly sorrow.

I had arrived steeped in guilt; sitting in that theatre seat where we do church. I left feeling full of hope and forgiveness.

I know I am not the only woman to feel this: this overwhelming load of guilt. I am not the only mother who has bad days (more than we would like to admit – even to each other) where we don’t parent the way we want to. Where we aren’t the wives we wish we could be, or the friend that we feel we are needed to be. There is guilt on every side, threatening to swallow us up.

My challenge to myself this week is to take a moment to categorize my sorrow before allowing the emotions of it to run away with me. Is it a Godly sorrow that leads to repentance and change? Is there any change that needs to happen, or is it simply a guilt I am heaping upon myself because I want people to think differently of me? If I am drowning in worldly guilt – how can I stop, take note of it and decide what to do with it? Do I need to just cast it off, or is there something I can allow God to use to bring change in me?

I am determined to not let my past mistakes with my kids, determine our future. Even though I know I will make many more and I will never be a perfect parent, I am determined to be a parent who teaches my kids how to move through mistakes. How to pick ourselves up, brush off the worldly guilt, and cling to our God. I’m so thankful God didn’t allow me to be stuck in my guilt, but used my sweet, forgiving little girl to teach me an incredible lesson.

Even though I often feel that being a parent brings out the worst in me, and that I wonder if there isn’t a better person for this job – my children humble me by their love for me. And one way I will love them back is by not letting myself be beat down by this guilt that paralyzes, that brings hardness and anger to my heart.

So now that I have written a post about it, I must have this figured out right? WRONG! This will be a post I will need to revisit often because my memory is so short. As a sweet friend said to me one day “Go back and read your own blog – there’s some things in there you need to learn again”. I will add this one to my list.

The Long Awaited Road Trip

Posted on April 3, 2013 by Denise

We finally made the road trip to BC to visit my extended family. If you remember, we were hoping to go there for Christmas, but as the date came closer and closer, we realized Giselle just wasn’t ready for it. I was still holding this trip loosely – not wanting to get our hopes up too much in case we could sense in Giselle that she still wasn’t ready.

The captain of our ship… Happy that he doesn’t mind driving, and that he doesn’t mind me reading while he drives ;)

But on Thursday of last week, we were all packed up into the van and heading out. I was curious to see how she would handle it. Often times, any more than 20 minutes in the vehicle and she is cranky and whiny. This trip is 8 hours long on a good day – easily 10 when kids are needing to have bathroom breaks every 2 hours. She has also become terribly car sick a few times since being home, so I was expecting some car sickness along the way.

Traveling mercies…

A rare treasure – seeing the peak of Mt Robson. It is usually hidden by clouds. Love the drive through the mountains! They are in my blood and always will be.

She did wonderfully! We actually made the trip in 8 hours. There was no car sickness, and she even had a little nap on the way. Concern #1 done and passed with flying colours.

Concern #2 – How would she react to all the family members she had never met before, being away from home, and sleeping in a different bed for 4 nights?

We have a calendar in the girls’ room with family photos – so she knew most of my family by face and by name. The first thing she did when she got out of the van, and she saw my Dad standing at the open door was yell at the top of her lungs “Poppa!!!” and ran into his arms. It was magical! Let me just say that at that moments, he was putty in her hands. And wrapped around her little finger in an instant! My Dad is a tall, large man with a big voice, so children are often intimidated by him. It blessed him to no end that Giselle was so affectionate and comfortable with him.

Poppa has discovered that the way to a child’s heart is… Marshmallows!

She did well with everyone. My sisters, her cousins – a house full of people and noise and activity. She was nervous the first night we were there, but I showed her where everyone was sleeping which seemed to help her to calm down. She slept well every nap and night we were there which is amazing. She reacts to any stress during the day by a restless sleep and often crying out, but she slept really peacefully most nights.

Cousins reading stories together.

Sweet boy has too many aunties around and not enough males to protect him from us :)

Sweet boy… he has too many aunties around and not enough males to protect him from us.

The best thing was seeing that my while my sisters and mom were super sweet and kind to her, it didn’t sway her from her attachment to me. This has been a big issue in the past. That when friends/family are very kind and helpful to her, she reacts by wanting to be with them only, and rejects any direction or affection from me. This was so wonderful for me to see! That she could have other loving people in her life, but still understand that her core family unit is intact and won’t change. That she doesn’t need to charm other people (usually women) as a back-up plan in case I leave her.

First Easter egg hunt!

All in all, this trip was even better than I could have dreamed. I am so thankful that we waited as long as we did to make this trip. And I’m deeply impressed with how far Giselle has come even in the past 3 months.

With this, I think I can officially say that our cocooning is over. And here I thought that we could cocoon for 6 weeks! Instead, to one degree or another, we have cocooned for almost 8 months. And of course, we will revert to that as needed when we can sense she is needing extra time with her family unit. I am working on a conclusion to cocooning post hopefully coming to your inbox soon.

Weekend Away Update

Posted on March 20, 2013 by Denise

I was imagining me coming home from the weekend, walking in the door and the kids all crowding around me, so happy to see me home. Well, things rarely go as we imagine them do they? Instead, in some ways it was even sweeter. The kids were all watching a movie downstairs when I came in. The house was so quiet. When our dog let out a short “hello” bark, Giselle must have heard it. I heard her coming up the stairs a fast as her little legs could carry her. All the way up she was saying “Mommy! Mommy!” and I got HUGE hugs and happy kisses from her. That was a sweet blessing.

When the movie ended for the kids, and we were all upstairs together… Darren and I were preparing dinner and the kids were being wild, I said to Darren “I feel like I just came from a very polite and civilized place, but somehow landed back to the caveman times.” ;) It took me awhile to get used to the noise level here again. Or should I say, it took me awhile to get the children’s noise level back to what I can manage as Darren’s ability to block out the noise the kids make far surpasses mine.

Giselle did so much better than I anticipated. Thanks so much for those of you who prayed! Daddy kept them busy and they had a lot of fun going to McD*nalds, baking cookies, having dance parties and shopping. I know – weird right? I don’t even take all the kids shopping “just for fun”! Brave man.

I was waiting to write this post as I wanted to see how Giselle would be on Monday and Tuesday… to see if there were any behaviours showing that she was upset by my absence. The only signs were that she had a little control battle over the potty (something she hasn’t done in months), and she has had nightmares the past few nights where she wakes up screaming for me. She normally has some nightmares, but these seemed to be more intense and more often than normal.

I was looking for signs that she was feeling disconnected from me, or that perhaps she felt she couldn’t trust me… but she was making good eye contact right away, wanted to be held and she wanting to nurse almost right away which was also a really good sign. I’m glad she is able to ask for what she needs to feel reconnected with me. I am so relieved that this didn’t seem to make her feel terribly insecure! For the most part, she is becoming a pretty laid back, happy little girl who is easy to have around. It is so rewarding and such a blessing to see her trust us with her heart. And to see her confidence that we will always come back to her.

As for me – it was a great weekend to reconnect with some friends I haven’t seen for awhile, make some new friends, have the quiet to hear from God, have a looong nap, and not have to worry about preparing/cleaning up meals. I needed it to be one day longer, but it was a good first time away. My talk on Friday night went really well. My biggest concern was that I would start to cry and not be able to stop while speaking, but I didn’t cry at all - it was nice to be spared that potentially awkward situation!

Next up… our weekend away to BC to visit family over Easter. I am feeling hopeful that this quick trip will be a positive experience for Giselle as well. I think she really is ready for it. Christmas was definitely too soon for her, but I think this will be good. And I am really tired and starting to ramble, so I will end this here. Thanks again for your prayers and support over us for this last weekend.

Sick

Posted on January 10, 2013 by Denise

Remember in a previous post when I said I was kind of looking forward to Giselle being sick so I could mother her? Well those nasty little germs must be reading my blog because they did a REALLY good job of making this little gal way more sick than I had in mind.

My sick, sick baby. But so glad she is sick here and not in Haiti!

She is coughing so much she can’t sleep. Her nose and eyes just pouring… sneezing, coughing until she gags and throws up… it’s sad. But I can tell you I sure do feel that mothering instinct now! Poor baby is loving the cuddles (when she isn’t crying to go play with the kids even though she doesn’t have the energy to manage the stairs…), and not sleeping much at all due to the coughing.

I keep thinking back to when Giselle was sick in Haiti before coming home.

February, 2012

This was so incredibly hard and scary. To let a Nanny care for my child when I didn’t know how much (or if) medication they were giving her. How could they care for her at night when there were so many children to watch over? Were they checking her fever at night?What if it was a really serious infection that needed to be treated right away? I’m so thankful to God for my nurse-friend Whitney was there to keep an eye on her and more importantly, to pray over her.

Tonight I sent out a frantic email to my fellow adoptive nurse-friend Amy about some medication for Giselle. (Thank you for the quick reply Amy!). I was able to call a nurse at our local health department to help me determine if I should take Giselle in to see a Doctor tonight. I had all the medication I needed in my home to help ease her pain, the vaporizer is going, the homemade vapour rub on her chest, and soft clothes for her sore nose. Non of it seems to be helping her cough very much, but at least she is a bit more comfortable.

And she knows she is loved. It makes my heart sing with joy when she cries out in her half-asleep state for “Mommy!” and crawls into my arms for comfort. Daddy’s cuddles have also been a huge source of comfort and a good bonding time for them as well.

I feel like I am officially her mother now -we have weathered an illness! I know a little bit more of how she “does” sickness. And she knows that we will be there for her when life is just hard.

And God continues to redeem…

Sister Fun

Posted on November 5, 2012 by Denise

This fall someone blessed us with a ride in Bar*ie Je*p for the girls. This was the best thing EVER to get the girls outside to play. They spent hours out there driving it around, getting stuck, unstuck and driving some more. The saddest thing about snow falling was that the Je*p had to go into storage.

The expression on the girls’ faces just cracks me up! I love looking at these photos as it just shows each of the girls’ personality so well.

I think we need a little snowmobile next!

Giselle – In Our Arms for 10 Weeks

Posted on October 12, 2012 by Denise

: Giselle in Haiti – July 2012

Giselle in Canada, Thanksgiving October 7th, 2012

A fellow adoptive mom recently posted that she isn’t writing on her blog because ever since her daughter came home, it feels like everything is changing so fast that she can’t keep up. That is so true here too! So many times in a day I think “I need to write about this, or that” and then once the peace of evening falls on our house, I forget it all. This post is super long. A huge no-no in blog world, right? I get my blog printed into books as a permanent record for our family, so I will write everything I can think of now as a record for us. Please don’t feel obligated to read it all.

All in all, I can say that Giselle has made HUGE strides in the past 2 weeks. Her confidence is blooming. Her funny, silly self is peeking through. Her love for her Daddy? EXPLODING! It’s a wonder to watch. I am going to write in bullet points (another blogging no-no) because I just need to record some of the things she is doing/saying – before they disappear in the wind.

~ She calls Amara “Amara’s” – probably because we so often tell her “That’s Amara’s toy/Amara’s turn”.

~ She has such a sing-song way of talking. There is a definite rhythm to her words. I wish I could record that here. I love hearing her talk.

~ Let me put her sleep into perspective. When she first came home, I stayed in the room with her from the time I started to put her to bed (7:30) until she woke up in the morning. I would sit on the bed and work on the computer, but didn’t want to leave her side in case she woke up. She slept SO restless – constantly moving and shifting… upside down and back up. Crying a LOT in her sleep, often waking up. Almost every night, awake from 12:30am – 4:30am. And back up at 7:00. NOW… We put her to bed in her bed, say goodnight and leave the room. Lately she hasn’t even fussed about us leaving. She is sometimes (not often enough though) sleeping through the night – and her head generally stays on the pillow which means she is having a much more restful, deep sleep. When she does sleep well – 12 hours per night, 2-2.5 hour naps! I can’t even begin to express how this has made our whole family a much happier, more peaceful place as everyone is more rested and the other kids get more mommy time.

~ Her sweet, melodic “I love ya!” and “See ya later!”. I love it when she says “Come here, Amara!”, and when she comes up to me out of the blue and says “How come?”. This makes me laugh – how do you respond to that when it isn’t even a question in conversation but used as a conversation starter? I have started to say “Because mommy loves you!” and she seems happy with that. I often hear her walking around saying “Happy, happy, happy”. I’m not sure if she understands the meaning of the word – but it makes this mother’s heart glad to hear it.

She loves helping me by putting the dirty cutlery into the dishwasher.

~ Food. Of course if anything is going to be a control battle, food will be because how do you force someone to eat/swallow their food? I will be open here – and many of you might disagree with my tactics, but it has worked for us. Often Giselle would eat something very willingly one day (i.e. soup), but when presented with exactly the same thing a day or two later, wouldn’t even touch it. This was after being home for about 6 weeks, so it wasn’t that everything tasted that unfamiliar. I finally did what I did with Kylar when he would do the same thing as an early toddler. I would take her cheeks in one hand, and spoon the food into her mouth with the other. She would be upset for a moment… but then would usually happily eat the rest of the meal. Now if she refuses to even taste something on her own, I offer her one spoonful and it isn’t an issue to get her to open up. She usually loves what we are eating and will clean her plate. If after one or two bites I can tell she just really doesn’t like it, I will give her rice and beans or something similar. On the other hand, if she isn’t in the mood for something, she will also chew and chew and chew – for up to 15 min on one bite! This is frustrating, but not impossible to deal with. Sometimes I set the timer and whatever she hasn’t eaten when the timer goes, she has to leave until the next meal time (we feed her every two hours so she certainly isn’t starving). Again, I make sure this is only for things I know she has eaten and liked in the past. She is (usually) eating a few bites of raw carrot, cucumber, peppers and lettuce. This is HUGE as most of her diet in Haiti would have been very soft and thoroughly cooked. She also eats hamburger, steak, chicken and sausage. It has taken her some time to get used to the texture of meat, and to be able to swallow it, but she usually does fine now.

~ I always had a feeling that Giselle would be Daddy’s girl. Both Kylar and Amara were more mommy’s kids, so it really was my hope and prayer that Giselle would have a special bond with Darren early in her life that our other kids didn’t develop with him until they were older. I really think this is coming true! She is so happy when he is around on the weekends. She follows him around, wants to be picked up and carried by him… she really loves her Daddy. She still prefers me for bedtime and when she is really upset she comes to me which helps me not to feel totally left out ;)

~While she is strong willed, she bends fairly easily. Placing her in her “time in” spot (she is on my chef’s mat in the kitchen by my feet – never left alone in another room as a punishment) is very upsetting for her. She will wail for about 20 seconds and then say “Oui Momma” with big nods of her head. She will give hugs, say sorry, give and receive kisses and be on her way. But of course she still has to test the limits multiple times per day. She is a 2 year old after all! The hard thing with discipline is the sneaky little things she does. Things that might mean nothing to us, but I have learned she means them as disrespect. Like tapping her teeth together at me. A quick little spit in our general direction. Or biting her tongue – pointed at Darren. I have found that if I let these little things go – she escalates into hitting or biting in a very short period of time. It might seem to someone just watching that I am being very strict with her, but I have learned what she means by them.

~ When she first arrived home – every answer to our questions would be “NO”. She would even nod her head and say “no”. Now, she says “Oui” or lately “Yup!” to almost everything. Both ways can be frustrating as I don’t really know what she wants. “Giselle, do you want more food?” “Oui!” so I bring her another serving and she cries because she was done. Slowly these things are working themselves out as she acquires more language – and is figuring out her own body. In Haiti she was fed and given drinks when it was time. Now I am asking her if she is hungry/ thirsty. This has been a real learning curve for her as I believe she didn’t really pay attention to her body’s signs before.

~ It’s so fun to watch her dance. She is very shy about it – quite self-concious actually. But when she forgets herself and lets go – it’s so cute! We say she has “old lady moves” because she does! But then she can also have some really good moves when she allows herself to be free. Sometimes she comes up to us, giggling like crazy and does a silly dance for us, then runs away. I love hearing her laugh!

~ Giselle and Amara – their relationship is blossoming! When Giselle first came home, she would freak out if Amara came close to her or me. If Amara kissed her, she would scream as if Amara had taken a bite out of her cheek… now Amara is happily greeted in the morning. She makes sure Amara has a good night hug and kiss before bedtime. And they go outside to play, or have long tea parties together. Of course somedays it seems a large portion of their “play” still involves squabbling, taking toys away, not sharing… but it is all so much more “normal”! So amazing to see Amara blossom into a big sister, and to see Giselle copy everything Amara says and does (which isn’t always a good thing!). They have dance parties together in Amara’s room. Amara dresses Giselle in dress up clothes… they walk around together in their dress up heeled shoes… I love it!

Casual tea time with Amara

~ Kylar is so good with Giselle and she generally just adores him. He loves to chase her around the house, swing her around, carry her piggy-back… She does walk into his room without permission and destroys his Lego creations (accidentally) in short order which drives him crazy, but other than that, they click really well.

~ And me? I confess I sometimes forget where Giselle has come from and how much she has gone through in the past few months. It just feels like she has always been here. Yes there are days I wonder how I can handle 3 children well. There are still some days when I feel like I am babysitting and days when I get tired of feeling like a “bad mom” because I worry about how many times I mess up with her. But mostly she is just here. Ours. I almost forget how terrible the long, long wait was. Almost. And then something will happen that reminds me, and it all comes crashing back in a hurry. It really is a traumatic and stressful experience to go through. For those of you still in the middle of the wait – don’t underestimate how hard the process (wait) is on you (your body, emotions, spiritually) and on your family. I felt like it took over my life and thoughts, so much of my time and attention. I’m noticing that my parenting sucks right now. Partly because I haven’t been reading and educating myself like I usually do. There are so many things to catch up on, but now my mind feels more free to be able to do that. And maybe when I actually get about a week of good nights of sleep, I’ll actually be able to process what I’m reading!

We are so thankful you are home Giselle. So glad that God chose us to be your parents. I hope we learn from you what God intends for us to learn, and that you always know how dearly loved you are.

Meeting Giselle {Part 2}

Aside

(I can’t figure out why my title isn’t posting…)

Meeting Giselle {Part 2}

Our 6 weeks of intensive cocooning has been over for two weeks. We are slowly finding our new balance. How much Giselle can handle, what are the signs that she is getting stressed, what works and doesn’t work when friends come over to visit… We want to share with you what is working for us right now (although this seems to be changing almost daily which is why this post has been so difficult to write). Those of you who are in our circle of face to face family and friends have been asking us “what should we do/not do?”. We so appreciate the loving care you are showing by asking!

I love that in our culture we generally include children as real people. We say “hi” to our friend’s children, ask them how they are… you know, because they actually are real people! So much of what I am asking you to do is counter intuitive to how we treat each other’s kids. But trust me – this is the best way you can show love to Giselle right now.

~ She is definitely more comfortable with women than men. While she is happily on her way to becoming a Daddy’s Girl, other men in close proximity still really make her nervous.

~ When we are out and about shopping and she notices people staring at her, she becomes uncomfortable. So imagine when people come up to talk to her! We find that when people mostly ignore her (ok, I know you are going to have to sneak a peak at her because she is so adorable!), she is much more at ease and comfortable. When people make eye contact and/or try to engage her, she gets stressed out. And plays with her belly button. If you see her playing with her belly button, she is not doing so good even if she isn’t showing any other outward signs of being stressed.

~ We think our other kids are pretty amazing too! It means so much to us – and them, if you pay attention to Kylar and Amara and give them some loving attention as well. The added bonus to this is that Giselle sees her siblings in healthy outside-of-family relationships. She is learning appropriate behaviour (hopefully! if our kids are behaving, that is..) from how the other kids behave around you. She watches to see that Amara isn’t fearful. That Kylar isn’t hugging just everyone he meets. And that they always. always. come back to us and that way stay together as a family.

~ Because she is still learning to attach to us as her primary care givers (experts say this can take up to a year), we need to be sure she is always pointed towards us for her care and needs. This means that only Darren or I (sometimes Kylar and Amara) can feed her, comfort her, hold/carry her, or kiss her owies. If she seeks any of this from you, the best thing you can do is turn her towards one of us and say “You have a good Mommy. She will help you!”

~ We are finding that visitors to our home are ok in small doses. Only one, maybe two visitors per week. Only about an hour at a time. We are still keeping her circle very, very small. Please know that some days even an hour will be too much. And if I have to say “I think this isn’t working for her today”, I know you will have grace for us, but it is hard for me to say this because I want the visit!

What is this look? Angry? Pouty? Insecure? Nervous?… learning to read her signs can be tough. But I can see her hands are down by her belly button…

Even though the really intense part of cocooning is over, it still isn’t life as usual for us. We are keeping her circle very small and limited to people who are consistently in our lives. Even if she seems to handle situations well, it can set her to regress (back to having fits, not talking, even angry with us) later when she is alone with us. Sometimes it can take a few hours – even days, for her to seem more “normal” and back to her regular self. Sometimes it means she (and therefor I) aren’t sleeping for the next two nights. It’s a huge learning curve for all of us.

Remember, we are still figuring out her cues (and I think they keep changing as she is figuring herself out!), and trying to understand how much of how she is acting around new people is simply her personality, and how much is stress. It feels strange to not know these things about our 2 year old child!

Thank you so much for your loving care and patience as we help Giselle adjust and attach to her new forever family.

** side note – Amara has taken to interesting measures as a way of dealing with all the attention Giselle is getting. She has started telling people whom she may or may not really know, that she loves them… how pretty their hair/clothing is… and sometimes repeated hugs that might seem out of place. The best way to deal with this is to engage her about conversation about something else. Or tell her how pretty her own hair/clothing is. But please don’t encourage the excessive hugging and “I love you’s” as we are trying to teach her culturally healthy boundaries. Thank-you!

Week 6 {In Which I Break Down}

Posted on September 22, 2012 by Denise

This has probably been one of the hardest weeks. Not in terms of the children being better or worse than normal, but in terms of me being burnt out.

I have tried to be very aware that the process of adoption – all the highs and lows, the excitement and depression… all of it can come crashing down after the adoption is over and result in a post-partum type of depression. Being aware, unfortunately, doesn’t mean it won’t happen.

I don’t know if it has been a depression as much as it has been a HUGE lack of sleep (Giselle is still up multiple times per night with often a 2-4 hour awake time during the night… and of course if she does sleep well the other kids have needs that wake me up) which started about a month before we traveled to Haiti. It has been feeling so at a loss often with how to make this all better, how to encourage it to all mesh together into something we call “our family” again. It has been the isolation from family and friends, and lack of routine in our lives.

A whole lot of fighting and screaming only a few minutes earlier. When it got so quiet I was very suspicious – only to find them sitting and reading stories together! Amara LOVES to be able to “read” to someone, so this is a huge blessing for her.

Tuesday was my lowest point. I have to admit, it isn’t easy for me to write about this here! I am not an overly private person, although it would be easier for me to tell you about Giselle’s struggles rather than my own. But they go hand in hand… and someone out there might need to know they aren’t the only ones who did or are going through something similar.

Back to Tuesday. I started out angry. To be honest, it is mostly a blur as to why I was so angry. I think it was Giselle waking me up about 4-5 times, Amara up 2 times, Giselle awake completely from 4:00am until 7:00am when I finally was able to sleep for 30 minutes before everyone was awake for the day. It was just the last straw. For those of you who don’t know me well – I am a night owl, so falling asleep before 11:30 (at the earliest) is almost impossible for me without a sleeping aid. Ideally I need 8-9 hours of sleep per night to do well, and even then I don’t feel fully *awake* until 10:00 am. It isn’t conducive to parenting young children! I was frustrated and upset with the kids for everything – and of course, Giselle not sleeping most of the night didn’t put her in a great mood either. It was a disaster. I spoke with my sister in the late morning and somehow that switched me from the anger to just deep, deep sadness (which was a good switch). I cried on the phone. I cried when I read Giselle her stories. I cried while the girls napped (thankfully Kylar was spared as he was out for the afternoon). I cried when my friend T called about maybe having that visit we have waited so long for… and so she came on her own without children. And she didn’t make me talk about it, but made me laugh about things completely unrelated to my situation. She helped me figure out clothes for the girls for our family photos next week. She probably saved my sanity. But when she walked out the door, I cried some more. Darren came home and took charge. I used a gift card a friend had given us for ordering dinner out for days such as this (Bless you J!!). We ate, he sent me to bed in our spare room by 9:00. Of course I couldn’t sleep, but at least I was alone – not wondering when Giselle would wake me up. I could think, pray and read… but it still took a glass of wine and some melatonin before I could fall asleep (at 11:30 of course).

And that was the day I decided that cocooning was over (hello Costco!!). And that me sleeping in the same room as Giselle is over for awhile too. She is doing well with Darren in the room at night. He does much better on less sleep than I do, therefore I am sleeping in the spare room until I feel recuperated. Last night was my second night sleeping through the night, and even though I woke up with a head cold, I felt much more in control and at peace than I have in weeks.

First time sitting in a shopping cart… on our way into Costco. Oh, how I have missed Costco! (although my bank account hasn’t)

It has been humbling to me to have my children help be my strength. Kylar giving up some alone time with me because he can see I just need to be alone during the girls’ naps sometimes. Amara comforting me when I cried through Giselle’s story time and telling me that I am the best mommy in the whole world. And also humbling to have Kylar gently tell me that when I wake up grumpy, our whole family is grumpy for the day, which is true and I needed to be reminded of that. How quickly Giselle seeks resolution with me, and forgives me when I mess up. I really have amazing children and I am so proud of them!

I also ordered Max Lucado’s book “Grace” which happened to come on Tuesday. It has been a good reminder to me – about God’s grace for me, and that I need to have grace for myself as well. Also, so very thankful for an online community of people who have brought home their children from Haiti, the wisdom and support being shared there. God is answering prayers, helping us to heal slowly but surely. I have so much to be thankful for.

The Unexpected

Posted on August 14, 2012 by Denise

Of course I knew to expect the unexpected with Giselle’s arrival home. One of the things I longed for so much before her arrival home was being in the middle of those unexpected things. The longing to just know my little girl and who she is. The good, and the hard.

Some things that have surprised us about her…

~ She isn’t nearly as afraid of our dog as I expected her to be. I had heard of other Haitian children being absolutely terrified of the family pets and was fully expecting this to be the case with Giselle as well. I actually had our elderly neighbours take the dog for the first few days so that Giselle could adjust to our home without the dog present, and I think that worked well for us. She still doesn’t like the dog to come walking towards her, or to come between her and I – but even then she isn’t absolutely terrified. Today she has (on her own) reached out to pet the dog a few times which has shocked me! For those of you adopting from ROH – even though the kids don’t like the little cat Rachel has, I think it is still helping them to at least be around animals some of the time.

~ I also expected some tears and trauma with the car seat as she isn’t used to one at all. On Thursday I have to drive across the city to the Dr. appointment, and I didn’t want her first car trip to be that drive, so today we did a test drive with her. She happily climbed into the carseat, gave me a huge smile and contentedly sat there for the drive!

~ I expected her to be ok with Amara because she is used to children that age at the orphanage. She certainly wasn’t. I think she immediately saw Amara as competition for my affection and time. Yesterday was the worst. Amara insists on sitting next to Giselle when we are sitting down to eat. If Amara’s chair was touching Giselle’s chair, Giselle would scream and cry. When Amara tried to give her a kiss on the forehead, Giselle screamed like Amara had bitten a chunk of her cheek – it was ridiculous! I even said to her “Amara gentile (gentle), Amara bon (good).” and she shook her head (no, no). Today that all changed for the better – but it deserves a post all it’s own.

I am loving being in the middle of this! I also feel tired and somewhat run down. She is awake more and more at night (which is to be expected), Darren and I are both still fighting a stomach bug… and I am trying to be aware of the depression that can settle in after such a long fight to get her home, the excitement of preparing for her and of course the long trip to bring her home. I wonder how I will manage on my own when Darren returns to work on Thursday (it’s been so amazing to have him home with us this long!). I sometimes have flashes of missing just knowing the rhythm of our life before, and occasionally I still catch myself thinking “I need to deal with that before Giselle comes home” – only to laugh at the realization it is too late to worry about it now.

And then I breathe a huge sigh of relief.

So…. I guess this is for real!

Posted on August 1, 2012 by Denise

I am completely(happily) exhausted, so please excuse this post if it doesn’t make any sense or has many errors.

Our flight was long, some connections delayed by hours, and a night in an airport. I have had about 3 hours of sleep in 36 hours, but it was all SO worth it the moment we arrived at the orphanage.

Rachel ran into the building ahead of us to get Giselle. There is often a “greeting party” of children on the steps, but today there was no one. It was only us. Rachel walked out, holding Giselle by the hand and introduced us as Mommy and Daddy. Giselle didn’t hesitate and walked right into my arms, snuggled in and didn’t move from there. She gave Darren some cuddles too which was great! Darren was able to video tape the moment, but I won’t be able to load it until we are home :(

I had so many scenarios running through my head about how it would go – I must confess non of those scenarios went that beautifully! It was a moment I will treasure in my memory for the rest of my life. Yes, I cried. Yes, I kissed her over and over and hugged her as tight as I dared. It was amazing to finally hold my daughter in my arms, knowing I won’t suffer from a broken heart on the way home.

We spent about 6 hours at the orphanage. She had a good long sleep in my arms, we played with some toys and just sat and cuddled a lot. We spent some time playing with the other children, eating some delicious, fresh, melt-in-your-mouth croissants. She is definitely not “herself”, but she is “normal” for what she is like for me (if that makes any sense). They say she is bossy, and can be loud. With me she is quiet and a bit sad. It’s only a matter of time though, and we will see the real Giselle.

Tonight we opted to leave her at the orphanage for her last night there. In case she has a hard time sleeping at the guest house with us, we want to be rested and ready. Tonight we are too tired, and I think the stress of today was a lot for her as well. This is the way I have always wanted to do Giselle’s transition, so I am thankful it has worked out the way I had imagined.

All in all, today has gone better than I expected. We are happy, excited for tomorrow when we can have her here at the guest house with us. It is quiet here and we can spend more one-on-one time with just her. I know she will be very stressed – remember she rarely ever leaves the orphanage, and now she will be in this unfamiliar place with strangers. Please pray that her spirit can be at peace, pray that we will have wisdom on how to engage and show love to her.

SO, SO happy that our daughter is finally ours! So excited to get to know who she is. Thank you for all your kind comments on fb, here and in our email inbox. It really is so wonderful to be able to share in our joy with you. It is a sweeter journey with all this loving support behind us.

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Category Archives: Darren