Category Archives: Amara

Amara is 5

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Happy fifth birthday to my sweet girl. Amara, may you continue to hear the voice of God, and continue to be a conduit of His joy wherever you go. Love you so much!! We are so blessed to be called your parents.

Happy Fifth Birthday to my sweet girl. Amara, may you continue to hear the voice of God, and continue to be a conduit of His joy wherever you go. Love you so much!! We are so blessed to be called your parents.

Amara’s birthday always brings so many emotions and memories for me.
I remember that her birthmother was scheduled to be induced on a Friday. So we packed up and flew to her birthplace the Monday before. 

How we anxiously awaited Friday – it was the longest week of my life! But also had the honour and privilege of meeting her first mother which was something we will always treasure.

And then when Friday came, and I was called into the delivery room… I thought I might faint from the wonder of it all, and yet the very reality that our joy would be this precious mother’s pain… the emotions were so conflicting.

And then, 24 hours later, we signed the legal documents there in the hospital and it was done. She was ours. I still remember crying, yet my emotions were so big I couldn’t cry at all the way my body needed to. Because I was amazed and delighted that she was ours and that the crazy, crazy up and down journey was over – yet I grieved deeply for this mother’s loss. That she was bravely walking out of that hospital with her arms empty, believing that God has chosen us to parent this sweet little girl.

Amara… I tell you all the time that you are God’s special gift to us. And you are. More than you will ever know. Your fourth year was a tough one for you. You lost your status as the youngest child and only daughter in our family. Not to mention that being 4 is just hard in general. I can’t tell you that being 5 will be much easier, but I can tell you that you will make it through just fine. I feel that we are all trying to figure you out as you are growing up. That you seem to be changing so quickly – even you are having a hard time trying to figure you out. One minute, raging tantrums like a toddler, the next – speaking older-than-your-years words of affirmation and wisdom that could only come from the heart of God speaking to you.

You are funny, energetic and such a little stinker sometimes. You can bring me to tears in frustration, then to more tears as you hug me and tell me how precious and loved by God I am even when I make mistakes.
You have my heart, sweet one. You always will.

~Today in the car… just you and I driving to run a few quick errands… you dressed in a beautiful pink dressy coat and new necklace your cousin picked out for your birthday – so beautiful you take my breath away.  And you so happy to have a few minutes alone with your mom.
You asked me “Am I still 5 mom?”
I said “Yes sweetheart you are.
And you know what? I love you – all the way to the moon and back.”
And you replied with a little smirk
“I love you all the way to Costco.”
I pretend hurt shock while laughing…
And then you say emphatically, “No mom, I love you THIS much” and you spread your arms back as far as you can… “And all the way to Costco AND back!”

The Long Awaited Road Trip

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We finally made the road trip to BC to visit my extended family. If you remember, we were hoping to go there for Christmas, but as the date came closer and closer, we realized Giselle just wasn’t ready for it. I was still holding this trip loosely – not wanting to get our hopes up too much in case we could sense in Giselle that she still wasn’t ready.

The captain of our ship... Happy that he doesn't mind driving, and that he doesn't mind me reading while he drives ;)

The captain of our ship… Happy that he doesn’t mind driving, and that he doesn’t mind me reading while he drives ;)

But on Thursday of last week, we were all packed up into the van and heading out. I was curious to see how she would handle it. Often times, any more than 20 minutes in the vehicle and she is cranky and whiny. This trip is 8 hours long on a good day – easily 10 when kids are needing to have bathroom breaks every 2 hours. She has also become terribly car sick a few times since being home, so I was expecting some car sickness along the way.

Traveling mercies...

Traveling mercies…

A rare treasure - seeing the peak of Mt Robson. It is usually hidden by clouds. Love the drive through the mountains! They are in my blood and always will be.

A rare treasure – seeing the peak of Mt Robson. It is usually hidden by clouds. Love the drive through the mountains! They are in my blood and always will be.

She did wonderfully! We actually made the trip in 8 hours. There was no car sickness, and she even had a little nap on the way. Concern #1 done and passed with flying colours.

Concern #2 – How would she react to all the family members she had never met before, being away from home, and sleeping in a different bed for 4 nights?

We have a calendar in the girls’ room with family photos – so she knew most of my family by face and by name. The first thing she did when she got out of the van, and she saw my Dad standing at the open door was yell at the top of her lungs “Poppa!!!” and ran into his arms. It was magical! Let me just say that at that moments, he was putty in her hands. And wrapped around her little finger in an instant! My Dad is a tall, large man with a big voice, so children are often intimidated by him. It blessed him to no end that Giselle was so affectionate and comfortable with him.

Poppa has discovered that the way to a child's heart is... Marshmallows!

Poppa has discovered that the way to a child’s heart is… Marshmallows!

She did well with everyone. My sisters, her cousins – a house full of people and noise and activity. She was nervous the first night we were there, but I showed her where everyone was sleeping which seemed to help her to calm down. She slept well every nap and night we were there which is amazing. She reacts to any stress during the day by a restless sleep and often crying out, but she slept really peacefully most nights.

Cousins reading stories together.

Cousins reading stories together.

Sweet boy has too many aunties around and not enough males to protect him from us :)

Sweet boy… he has too many aunties around and not enough males to protect him from us.

The best thing was seeing that my while my sisters and mom were super sweet and kind to her, it didn’t sway her from her attachment to me. This has been a big issue in the past. That when friends/family are very kind and helpful to her, she reacts by wanting to be with them only, and rejects any direction or affection from me. This was so wonderful for me to see! That she could have other loving people in her life, but still understand that her core family unit is intact and won’t change. That she doesn’t need to charm other people (usually women) as a back-up plan in case I leave her.

First Easter egg hunt!

First Easter egg hunt!

All in all, this trip was even better than I could have dreamed. I am so thankful that we waited as long as we did to make this trip. And I’m deeply impressed with how far Giselle has come even in the past 3 months.

With this, I think I can officially say that our cocooning is over. And here I thought that we could cocoon for 6 weeks! Instead, to one degree or another, we have cocooned for almost 8 months. And of course, we will revert to that as needed when we can sense she is needing extra time with her family unit. I am working on a conclusion to cocooning post hopefully coming to your inbox soon.

With Anticipation and Trepidation

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Since Giselle has come home, I have not left her for more than about 6 hours. For the most part she is now fine with me leaving to run errands or be out of the house even if Daddy puts her to bed and she doesn’t see me until morning.

This weekend I am going to our church’s women’s retreat. I have been so looking forward to this 2 night escape – I can’t even tell you! Darren went on a men’s retreat last weekend, and so I haven’t really had a break for 2 weeks (again – single moms out there… hats off to you!), I am pms’ing and so ready to have a break and some space. And some uninterrupted conversation with other adults.

I am also a little bit terrified of how Giselle will take it. I don’t really know that she will make life too difficult for Darren this weekend, but I do think she will probably manage some interesting pay back for me next week.

One thing that she has started lately is this amazing whine. She mostly does it as a little gift for Darren when he comes home, but I have been slowly noticing it transferring into her interactions with me as well. She already has a small, somewhat high voice – so add the whine… it only makes me want to scratch my eye-balls out a little bit. We have been working on saying things in her nice voice, and she is catching herself more and more… but I am imagining a very whiny, tempter tantrum throwing, not sleeping, screaming kind of week. But praying that non of that happens.

The interesting thing is that Amara has been extremely clingy to me lately as well. Nope I’m not feeling claustrophobic at all! So I might be getting pay back from a few different angles.

But, I know I NEED this. I might possibly crawl into my bed on Friday night and stay there until Sunday afternoon except from meals and potty bathroom breaks. That actually sounds like heaven to me right now.

I have been asked to speak to the group of women on Friday night, so I might manage to stay out of my pj’s until that is over. I am planning on talking about our adoption journey and about God’s redemption. If you think of it, please pray that God gives me the words to say that someone in that group needs to hear. And perhaps God is leading another family to open up their hearts and home to a child in need. I have a feeling I will be having a few one-on-one conversations about adoption and our journey. Again, please pray that I have words to say – I never want to portray this as an easy journey, but worth it?! Oh yes! I wouldn’t change the story God has written for us. Not one word.

Life Passing… In Photos

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Life often seems to rushed for me to pull out the “big” camera and take “proper” pictures (which, I was once told by a photographer teacher, isn’t really proper unless you take them on the Manual setting which I have never done well. So in reality I have never taken a proper photo I suppose)… and so life is recorded on my iph*ne and if there is a moment, sent to Instagr*m and FB… and all gathered together here for the sake of remembering.

Instagram LifeBeautiful tulips my mom bought for my kitchen. We were surprised to see the little hearts inside… perfect for Valentine’s Day!

Instagram LifeGymnastics… moving to fast for my iphone to capture good photos, but this one makes me smile.

Listening to the teacher...Listening to the teacher at Giselle’s gymnastics class…

Her own gymnastics class - she loves it! She loves every minute of it!

A message from Amara to me. When asked what it says, she said "You are loved, and precious. God made you and you are perfect. And it's a sorry list because I wasn't listening."

A message from Amara to me. When asked what it says, she said “You are loved, and precious. God made you and you are perfect. And it’s a sorry list because I wasn’t listening.”

Instagram Life

Sporting her big “puffs” after having her hair in yarn braids for 4 weeks. I love this style on her, but alas… it doesn’t last long.

Some of Kylar's recent artwork.

Some of Kylar’s recent artwork. I love watching the enjoyment he gets out of drawing, and seeing his talent grow. These pictures are his rendition of the artist’s drawing tutorial on this Yo*t*be channel.

Little Changes = Some Big Steps

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We moved Giselle’s crib into Amara’s room on Sunday. Amara was SO excited, but Giselle didn’t really seem to clue in until it was time for bed that she was now sleeping there. She cried for a little bit, but settled easily and went to sleep. Both my girls bang their heads on the pillow to go to sleep. Amara has been complaining that Giselle is being too loud with her head banging… so I finally said “Just bang your head at the same time and you won’t hear her.” She did and they both went right to sleep. Funny kids. So far they haven’t been waking each other up too much – Amara is sleeping through more of Giselle’s noise than I ever dreamed she would. I’m just praying it continues.

Yesterday Kylar went to the dentist for a check up. I brought both of the girls so that they could see him in the chair, and watch the hygienist count his teeth. The girls both have an appointment next week, so I thought it would be a good experience for them to see brave, big brother going first. Amara has been nervous about going to see the dentist because she still uses a soother, and she is wondering what the dentist will say about her teeth. I know, I know – you are shaking your head in shock and awe at what a lackadaisical parent I am to let an almost 5 year old still have her soother. But I don’t regret it at all – she is a highly emotional gal and the soother has helped her cope calmly with life many times when she otherwise would have had a really hard time. A good friend of mine who also happens to be a dentist and an adoptive mom has reassured me that as long as Amara gives up the soother by about age 5, there is a 95% chance that her teeth and pallet will return to a normal shape, and that it was worth it for Amara to use this to help her self soothe.

OK, back to the dentist story. When we were leaving for Kylar’s appointment, Amara had her soother in her mouth. I said “You better leave it here, because if you take it – it is staying at the dentist office.” She said she wanted to bring it to the dentist, so I quickly scooped up her other soother and we brought both of them! I didn’t really think she would do it, but as I was paying Kylar’s bill, she dug them out of my purse and gave them to the dental hygienist. She has been going to sleep without her soother and without much fuss for the first time in her life! We are all so proud of her… and when she has had 5 sleeps with no soother, I am taking her on a special trip to the Disney store where she can buy pretty much whatever she wants (because this mom was ready to promise her the moon if it meant getting rid of the soother without too much trauma!). She wants high heels. Done and done!

I wouldn’t have chosen this time for her to make this step in her life – I want her to be able to fall asleep as easily as possible with the girls newly sharing a room. But as usual, kids do things best when they can do things in their own time.  I am so thankful for another answer to prayer – that getting rid of the soother wouldn’t be a traumatic switch for her. Instead we actually have a fun story to tell about her transition to being soother-free!

Who knows? This could be the last time I get to hold this beautiful girl in my arms and rock her to sleep. She is growing up so fast! I'm not happy that she is feeling ill, but I'm soaking up every second of this moment of being able to comfort her on this way.

A few nights ago Amara wasn’t feeling well. She fell asleep in my arms on the rocking chair. I’m so glad I took this photo as it is the last one with her and her much loved soother. And who knows? Maybe the last time I get to rock my big girl to sleep on the rocking chair. I treasured every moment.

 

First Day of Preschool {Amara}

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Today was Amara’s first day of preschool.

While I am planning on homeschooling the girls, I had been debating on sending Amara to preschool after Christmas. In part just to give her something different to experience, and also to give me some alone time with Giselle.

I don’t know if I would have actually pursued it, but a friend asked if I would consider sending Amara as her son and Amara are good friends, and she thought they would enjoy going together. So I caved. And part of me has been dreading it over the whole holiday.
This morning I woke her up to get ready. The other children were sleeping, so we had time to choose her clothes, cuddle and talk about the day. We had breakfast together and then prepared to leave. She said goodbye to Kylar and Giselle and seemed to be feeling quite confident and happy. (*side note… Kylar babysat Giselle for our quick trip out – and it went great!).

She really enjoyed her first day. And I enjoyed watching how Giselle played on her own, as well as spending some time quietly coloring with her, practicing learning her colours and playing some more active games. I even managed some time to read just for me. I couldn’t get over how quiet it was in the  house without Amara there!

I think this will be a good season for us. Her preschool will end in March when we can choose to sign her up again or not. One thing I did discover… while I sometimes sit and daydream about all the things I could accomplish if my children attended school – I would NOT like having to wake up to an alarm clock every morning to rush the kids out the door. Not being a morning person, this sounds like torture to me. I guess there are positives and negatives to every schooling decision.

Photo A Day – in Review

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Some of my recent “Photo a Day” pictures..

“Lunchtime” – the girls eating lunch in their new footed Tinkerb*ll pajamas made by Nana.

Photo a Day "Lunchtime" The girls eating lunch in their matching foots jammies made by Nana for Christmas #fmsphotoaday

“Mess” – The girls find a somewhat clean section of the floor to spread out their “new” P*lly Pocket toys.

Photo of the Day "Mess" #fmsphotoaday

“How you Relax” Tea, and a heart to heart chat with a BFF… it doesn’t get better than that!

Photo of the day "How you relax" Tea with a great friend #fmsphotoaday

“Cold” – ‘Baby It’s COLD Outside….’ We have had 2 weeks of very cold weather so the girls have been stuck in the house. Now Amara is battling a cold/flu and Giselle can’t figure out why Amara keeps sleeping instead of playing with her. But a cuddle together on the couch to watch a movie helped pass the time…

Photo A Day from FMS

I Love Hair!

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Well, I love my girls’ hair…

Giselle

Giselle’s hair is so different from Amara’s. I’m still trying to figure out what works well for her and what doesn’t. She also has a different shaped head from Amara’s, so some styles that suite Amara, don’t suite Giselle at all. Her hair behaves so differently. It doesn’t really do a calm afro – her afro’s tend to just stick straight out. Her twist-out’s don’t work the same way either…

Afro skier?

This is Giselle’s “twist-out”. Yikes! On Amara, a twist out settles nicely and we use it as a style for a few days. I’m thinking I wouldn’t get too many kind comments in public about this twist-out… Although, that smile would charm even the worst critic, I’m sure.

It is a looser curl, and she has WAY less of it. I think all of Giselle’s hair could fit on a small section of Amara’s head and they would equal the same amount of hair. Also her hair has two completely different curl patterns – the top of the head is looser and longer, the back is tighter, dryer and much shorter (like 3 inches shorter). Throughout her head there are short patches, so styling it is difficult.  But I love that I can comb out Giselle’s hair easily and quickly – Amara’s massive amount of hair is much more time consuming and easily damaged on the ends.

Instagram Life

This has become our “go-to” style. Twists in the front and shingling* in the back.

 Amara

My less than perfect copy of the inspiration... But we are both happy with it. It took 3 Backyardigans and 1 1/2 Diego shows to complete ( not including the detangle and wash and Ghana plaits to stretch hair the day before) #curlyhairgirl

Amara’s hair for our local adoption Christmas party.

Amara has a more consistant curl. It is tighter, but holds a style very well (as long as she isn’t doing too many summersaults and dragging clothes/blankets over her hair… you know, normal 4 year old stuff). This style took about 2 hours to complete and looked pretty good for two weeks. It is one of my favourites now! I copied the style off of this blog post, although I did cornrows instead of flat twists.

I had been fantasizing about taking out Amara’s hair part way from the party style and leaving it in a faux hawk.  It was amazing! I would have made it look more complete in the front if we were actually leaving it that way for a few days, but she would have non of it. I showed her photos of other girls who had faux hawks, we oooh’d and awww’d over hers, but no way. She was NOT impressed. It was all I could get from her to take these photos before she begged me to take out the rest of her hair. Which is kind of funny because I always thought I would NEVER do a faux hawk on my girls – but it suites her personality so perfectly!

I've been dreaming of taking out Amaras hair part way but leaving it in a faux hawk for a few days. Unfortunately she hated it so I was barely able to snap these photos before taking the rest of the braids out.

I love the challenge of figuring out both girls’ hair. I can’t wait to see what Giselle’s hair will be like when it has had another 6 months or so to grow out. Hopefully I can find more creative styles that work with her hair as well.

*shingling explained here on Chocolate Hair, Vanilla Care

Sister Fun

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This fall someone blessed us with a ride in Bar*ie Je*p for the girls. This was the best thing EVER to get the girls outside to play. They spent hours out there driving it around, getting stuck, unstuck and driving some more. The saddest thing about snow falling was that the Je*p had to go into storage.

The expression on the girls’ faces just cracks me up! I love looking at these photos as it just shows each of the girls’ personality so well.

 

I think we need a little snowmobile next!

3 Months Home

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Gained 4 lbs
Grown almost 2 inches! 

Today marks the 3 month anniversary of Giselle’s arrival into our family. I am happy, and so – SO relieved to say that “everyone” was right. 3 months has been a big milestone in feeling like we have reached somewhat of a new normal for our family.

Even though Giselle doesn’t look too happy about us being “Finally Together”, I think she secretly is….

The first month or two after her arrival feel like a blur. It’s probably better that way. I was reading through my journal recently and while I don’t write often, I have tried to be very honest in what I do write because I need to be able to look back and see that she has (hopefully) grown and changed.

Sept 17, 2012 (starting week 6 of cocooning)
Slowly we are adding some things to our days, but our days still feel very long and lonely. I am so tired of feeling like a failure at this. Today I had serious PMS – along with weeks without decent sleep -along with Giselle being so cranky from weeks without decent sleep… It’s a bad, bad combination.
We have good moments. We even have some good hours. But often this is what the day often looks like;
~ Giselle wakes up grumpy because she has been awake fussing from 11:00pm-4:00am. ~She is mad when Amara strokes her cheek at the breakfast table, and hits/spits/bites Amara.
~She is mad when Amara touches her chair at the table, and SCREAMS
~ She is mad because Amara is playing with a toy she had an hour ago. And SCREAMS!
~ Screams when Amara wants to sit and play with her. Screams when she is hurt, or when the hurt simply could possibly have happened.
~Amara freaks out when Giselle has a toy she has never played with but now she suddenly wants. Amara isn’t obeying at all (yelling “NO!” to me at every thing I ask/tell her to do something)… and she certainly isn’t innocent in all the reasons Giselle is screaming.
~Amara is having rages 1-2 times per day. They stress me out more than anything. The blank, glassy look in her eyes at the end of one breaks my heart. I hold her and weep. I want my happy, love-song singing girl back!
Honestly… while I think Giselle is cute, and I’m so glad she is home… and while there are moments where I do really feel affection for her, I often feel as though I don’t like her. And yet at times she can be very sweet, funny and so, so cute.  Can you say GUILT?

We have seen this sad face so much in the past few months… but it is becoming more rare – Yay!! Thankfully this time she was crying because the photographer picked her up and she was NOT impressed. That’s a good sign she knows who her family is and isn’t willing to go with just anyone!

Today:
~ Giselle and Amara woke at the same time, and crawled into my bed for morning snuggles. Amazing – there was no fighting over who could be the closest to Mommy!
~ Giselle ate her breakfast well. That is usually a good sign…
~ The girls played in their room off and on, running into the kitchen with their baby dolls in the strollers. Sitting on the stools talking on their “phones”.
~Managed to gather Giselle’s stool sample for our third round of testing for parasites (I’m sure she still has them).
~ Lunch, then off to naps. (YAY!)
~ Amara wakes up first and watches her movie.
~Giselle wakes up and starts watching the show but isn’t really interested so she sits on my lap and reads books with me.
~ After the movie, they have a snack and run off to play. Amara puts on a music CD in her room and they dance/play with their polly p*ocket toys. I can watch them play from a video camera in Amara’s room – they do so well! I make supper.
~ At dinner, Giselle refuses to feed herself. It isn’t that she doesn’t like the food, she just doesn’t want to feed herself. So it becomes a power struggle as this is becoming way to frequent. She ends up sitting at the table for an hour, then off to bed. She is very restless in her sleep tonight, so I can tell it will be another long, long night.
All in all – I think Giselle had one time out. That must be a record!!
I  know beyond a shadow of a doubt, my mindset is a thousand times better right now because I have had 5 nights of good sleep. One of those nights I actually managed to sleep completely through the night! It has made a huge difference in how much I am able to handle, how much I can give affection even when I don’t necessarily feel like it at the moment. I like my little girl right now. Of course I love her – there has never been a question of that. But sometimes like and love can be worlds apart… and right now I am rejoicing that they are closer than they have ever been.
The most amazing thing is seeing little signs that Giselle is still bonding and attaching to me even though we have had such a rough start together. Lately I keep thinking about one of the signs of attachment – when a child runs to you and shows you a toy they have found/are playing with. I couldn’t remember her really doing that. Today she brought me toys to see at least 3-4 different times. It’s these little things that we completely take for granted with our biological children – but they are cues that they child is attached and feels loved. Somehow, in all of my own sleep-deprived, stress induced temper tantrums, this little girl has still allowed her heart to open up to me. To show me affection, to trust me with her love.

Recently I wondered silently to myself when she would come and tell me she loved me on her own accord – without it being in response to me saying it to her. Literally 2 minutes later, she came running to me for a hug. I knelt down and gave her a big squeeze and she quickly said “Love ya, Mommy!” and ran off. It was God’s gift to me. Letting me know that He is still the one in control in the midst of this slowly calming storm.
It’s not only Giselle who has improved. Amara is a completely different kid than she was in the weeks after Giselle’s arrival. She is back to being… herself. She sings love songs to us. She dances. She makes us laugh. The biggest change I see in her is because of Giselle. I see her sitting and playing with her toys. I can honestly say that Amara’s room was rarely a mess before Giselle came as she didn’t really play with her toys. Now, her room is a disaster from all the stuff they have been playing with – and I am so happy! Amara used to just get into things she shouldn’t.  I felt like I was running after her all day and couldn’t take my eyes off of her at all. Now she is normally playing something with Giselle or they are sitting and reading books together. She will play with play-dough for long stretches. She will play pretend MUCH more than before. And she is starting to take her big sister role more seriously. To watch out for Giselle and be her protector. I am delighting in the growth I see in her. I love watching her just seem more settled and happy as she has a play mate with her all the time now. Giselle is generally happy to follow her around and play what she wants to play, so their personalities are a great match that way as Amara likes to take charge. Yes, they still fight over toys. Yes, some days I can’t take my eyes off of them for a second or someone is screaming, but those days are more rare.
Not that long ago I seriously wondered if our family would every recover. Amara especially. Now I see it confirmed when I knew God told me Amara would need a sister. And obviously Giselle needed one too. Kylar is just a great stabilizer. He loves to rough house with Giselle, and make little games to play with her. She is generally more willing to listen to him and co-operate than Amara is, so they have a lot of fun together (and Amara is learning to co-operate with Kylar more if she wants in on the fun).
Giselle adores him. She often goes to him first when she has had some little thing that hurt her, and he always directs her to go to me for comfort (the big owies are automatically mine). He loves being the big brother, and playing the role of protector and can’t wait for the day he has a reason to stick up for them for some reason. I have always said he has the heart of a knight, and having little sisters really brings that out in him.

*photographs taken by Julie at www.papercastle.ca  She is passionate about adoption, so all her adoptive families get a 10% discount. Thank – you Julie!