Fall and I do not get along. Every fallen leaf is a reminder that we are one nano-second closer to winter which pretty much threatens to suck all the life and joy out of me.
In my melancholy mood (don’t worry – I’m snapping out of it tomorrow, promise!), I was pondering the fact that my children have all come to me at a great cost. And since I’m especially fond of tears lately…
Kylar – 3 years of infertility ~ the torture of baby showers, the “joy” of having Doctors tell me it was all in my head and that if my husband could just get me drunk more often, I’d probably get pregnant in a snap. And being put on anti-depressants (did 3 days of that and flushed them), then finally, when all hope was lost – pregnant! Kylar is my grounding. He encourages me when I’m down, he freaks me out with his perception, he drives me crazy with his emotions… then turns around and blesses me in ways I didn’t know 10 year olds could even conceive of.
Baby #2 ~ so much joy! I started showing so soon… to loose this little one in a hospital at 12 weeks, and a very cold, unprofessional Dr. who induced trauma on trauma.
Baby#3 ~ lost at 6 weeks… when I cried in a Doctor’s office, she asked me “what’s wrong with you? Had you not been keeping track, you wouldn’t even have known you were pregnant.” Because a life at 6 weeks was somehow worth-less?
Amara ~ during her adoption I swore I would never put myself through that again. Having birth moms’ change their mind (so glad that baby could stay with her mommy, but so heartbreaking for us!), but the amazing joy of Amara’s adoption and her adoption story was enough to encourage us to try again. She truly is my light and my laughter. Every day she fulfills God’s promise to me.
Giselle’s adoption ~ has stretched me since before she was even born. Or conceived in her mother’s womb. She was conceived in our hearts over 2 years ago, and the waiting to bring her home is sweet torture. The wondering of how she will adjust to us, and we to her. How will God teach us through this little one’s presence?
I realized today that when I am frustrated in the waiting because I’m focused on me, my frustration becomes this kind of funk. When I am frustrated in the waiting for the sake of Giselle, it brings me to my knees ~ and that’s where I want to be.
So that’s where I’m going.
Tomorrow will be a better day.