Is “success” Giselle coming home? Actually it is and it isn’t. One thing that I sometimes forget in the process of adoption is that at the end of the process, there is still me. Me and God. And how emotionally healthy I am now will not magically get better once the adoption is complete. I personally think that one culprit of post adoption depression is the “let down” of the roller coaster ride of the process being over. There is no longer any need to constantly check your email every 10 minutes. There is no more waiting and expectancy. There is no more excitement (because even the depressing lows can have an element of “excitement”)… it’s just life – with the added joy and stress of a new person trying to adjust to your home.
Maybe it’s because my home is in chaos right now. My back yard is also in renovation stage, and my car is a mess from many road trips last month – there is literally no place I can go to to feel a sense of rest and peace in my surroundings. Maybe that’s why I am feeling a peace about Giselle’s adoption delays (I don’t feel ready to go right now). I know it might only last a few days, but reading this devotional just confirmed what I have been feeling.
Live in the moment. Right now. This second. During this 3 year old temper tantrum. This mess in my home. This endless waiting. Live here. Rejoice here. Cry here. Give thanks here. Just BE with God – right here.
Perhaps Ossie is right – it isn’t the outcome as much as it is the journey. Giselle’s birthmom could come back at any time and decide to parent Giselle. The president could delay signing for a year. There are a million things that could go “wrong” with bringing Giselle home. My hope has to be in Christ, not just in the completion of her adoption.
Please don’t read this as me not caring as much. There is rarely an hour that goes by that she isn’t on my mind. My children talk about her all the time. My husband and I cry for missing her, and the frustration of feeling so helpless and at times hopeless. I am constantly thinking of what it will be like when she is here. I am reading and learning about how to best help her transition and heal when she comes home. I am listening to Creole phrases that will hopefully help comfort her.
But she is not my life or my salvation. She is not my first love. And if nothing else, I am so grateful to God for allowing this time in our lives so that we will seek Him and draw closer to Him.
We will be better people and better parents for G when she finally does arrive home.